Showing posts with label Occasional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Occasional. Show all posts

2021-09-02

Draft Your Obituary

Practice of the Week
Draft Your Obituary

Category: Occasional: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

This exercise is from Robert Hardies. He writes:
I heard a piece on the radio. It was a report from the annual convention of obituary writers in America. I hadn’t realized obituary writers had a convention. But the report revealed some interesting things about the particular beat. It turns out that editors from papers like the New York Times and Washington Post do some calculations to try to figure out what famous people might be dying in the near future. And on the basis of those predictions, editors assign reporters to interview these “subjects” about their lives and ask them how they want to be remembered. Obituaries are written and filed under lock and key until the appropriate time. Apparently, this is how obituary writers stay ahead of the game.

Most of us will never get the opportunity to have a newspaper reporter come to our homes and solicit the story of our lives. And most of us won’t make the obituary page of a national newspaper. But the story of our lives matters deeply too. It matters to us and to our conscience. It matters to those whose lives we touch. To our loved ones. If your faith is like mine and you believe that we all can play a role in shaping the unfolding drama of creation, then the story of our lives matters on an ultimate level, too.

So let us be good and faithful stewards of our lives stories. Let’s pay attention to how the story is unfolding. Go home today and write your obituary as if tomorrow were the last day of your life. Would the story you tell reflect what’s most important?
This week, give it a try! Use your journal -- or any piece of paper, or your computer keyboard.

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List of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

2021-07-21

Unitask

Practice of the Week
Unitask

Category: Occasional: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.
“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally... When we commit ourselves to paying attention in an open way, without falling prey to our own likes and dislikes, opinions and prejudices, projections and expectations, new possibilities open up and we have a chance to free ourselves from the straitjacket of unconsciousness.” (Jon Kabat-Zinn)
In our busy lives, how often do we find ourselves doing more than one thing at a time? Many days, it seems that multi-tasking is an ingrained part of life.

For ONE WEEK stop multi-tasking. Sounds simple, right? Try it and see how it feels. You may find you want to do this all the time -- not just occasionally.

For example, work on the computer without the TV or radio on, or drive the car without listening to the radio or a CD. Exercise or eat in silence. When you fold the laundry, only fold the laundry, without also talking on the phone or watching TV.
"Research conducted at Stanford University found that multitasking is less productive than doing a single thing at a time. Multitasking reduces your efficiency and performance because your brain can only focus on one thing at a time. When you try to do two things at once, your brain lacks the capacity to perform both tasks successfully. Research also shows that, in addition to slowing us down, multitasking lowers your IQ." (Udemy course description)

"The world’s greatest fictional detective is someone who knows the value of concentration, of “throwing his brain out of action,” as Dr. Watson puts it. He is the quintessential unitasker in a multitasking world. More often than not, when a new case is presented, Holmes does nothing more than sit back in his leather chair, close his eyes and put together his long-fingered hands in an attitude that begs silence. He may be the most inactive active detective out there. His approach to thought captures the very thing that cognitive psychologists mean when they say mindfulness. When we learn to unitask, to think more in line with Holmes’s detached approach, we may be doing more than increasing our observational prowess. We may be investing in a sounder mental future — no matter how old we are." (Maria Konnikova, "The Power of Concentration," NYTimes)

"Every day, I call my mother in the assisted living facility where she now lives, back in France. Every time, I struggle with staying present with her, as she keeps on asking the same questions, over and over again. Is everyone ok? When do I see you next? How is the oldest one (my daughter)? How is baby (my brother's child)? Boredom sets in, and I catch myself multitasking. Glancing at computer screen, checking on latest tweets, reading the news, . . . meanwhile talking to her. Today, I purposely resisted the urge, and chose to only be with her. And found a whole stack of emotions, underneath boredom. First, was aversion to situation, wishing for times past without Alzheimer's. Then, came sadness, from the irrevocable loss. Then, empathy for her, and what must be a terrifying experience. Today, I make another vow. To 'unitask', as much as possible." (Marguerite Maneau-Rao)
For Journaling

How does doing one thing at a time feel?

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For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

2021-03-04

Integrity Exercises

Practice of the Week
Integrity Exercises

Category: OCCASIONAL or WORTH A TRY. Some of these are good one-time exercises to do -- and mabye re-do every once in a while -- quarterly or annually, say. Some practices in this category are great for responding to a particular need that may arise in your life. Others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes "Your Thing" -- your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice. Most of these are worth a try one time, even if you never do them again.

Integrity entails being clear about your values, and acting consistently with your values. Are you clear about your values? Do your self-proclaimed values match how others see you? Exercise #1 invites you to wrestle with these questions.

Exercise #1: Your Values

1. Look over this list of values and select the FIVE that are most important to you.
accountability
achievement
adventure
authenticity
balance (work/life)
boldness
mentoring others
charity
commitment
community
compassion
competence
courage
creativity
diversity
education
excellence
fairness
faithfulness
family
financial stability
forgiveness
freedom
friendship
generosity
hard work
health
honesty
humility
humor/ fun
independence
job security
kindness
leadership
learning
loyalty
originality
patience
personal growth
physical fitness
self-care
self-discipline
self-respect
social justice
spirituality
success
trust
vulnerability

2. Show this list to someone close to you and ask them to pick the values they think are most important to you – without letting them know which ones you picked earlier.

3. Compare lists and discuss the differences, as well as why each of you picked what you did.

4. Here are some additional questions and an activity to explore more:
  • From your selected five values, which one would like to live into more fully?
  • What were your parent(s) five core values? In what way are your core values and theirs the most same and the most different?
  • Which of your core values are most directly and deeply related to your UU faith? i.e. which value would not be on the list if it wasn’t for your faith?
  • What’s the newest value to make it on to your list of top five? Which value did it “replace”? Did that happen consciously? Or did the shift sneak up on you?
  • Try the free online Personal Values Assessment from the Barrett Values Centre: Personal Values Assessment (PVA) - Barrett Values Centre
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Integrity is about acting in alignment with our values, honestly and faithfully. In this sense, it is forward-looking. But integrity also is about looking backward. It’s also about how well we remember. Important life lessons come our way. Some of them stick and some slip away. Our integrity is determined by whether we remember them or forget, whether we hold our life lessons close or let them evaporate. Exercise #2 asks: What life lessons do you want to make an extra effort to remember?

Exercise #2: Remembering Our Way into Integrity

Create a list of “5 life lessons I want to remember.” Think of it as self-talk. As your better self-helping your forgetful self-return to your center. Pull out a sheet of paper or pull up a document on your computer or phone and type out a list numbered 1-5. Then spend a week or two coming back to your list and filling it in with the pieces of wisdom or advice that are important to you but that you also often forget.

Here are some example reminders to get you thinking. Remember that:
failure stings but regret haunts;
masks that stay on too long will stick to my skin;
assuming good intentions is not only kind-hearted but also creates those good intentions in others;
the only audience I am really trying to please is myself;
I always have a choice;
I am different not less;
everyone is carrying pain, even if I can’t see it, so be kind;
I’m not the only one that feels like an imposter;
if they ask me to keep a piece of me hidden, this is not where I belong;
I’ve already “made it” and I’m already enough, so I can put the striving and the proving down whenever I need to;
they will likely laugh or leave but do it anyway.

* * *

Exercise #3 also asks us to explore the connection between integrity and memory. Instead of asking us to remember a specific value or life lesson, it asks us to remember all of who we are. It’s a reminder that integrity is about finding and holding on to our wholeness.

Exercise #3: Name Your Many Names

"Each of Us Has a Name," by Israeli poet, Zelda (1914-1984), tells us that integrity is a matter not so much of holding tight to your one true name, but remembering and embracing the many names given to us by the experiences of our lives.

Each of Us Has a Name
Zelda

Each of us has a name, given by God –
given by our parents.
Each of us has a name, given by our stature –
and our smile –
and given by what we wear.
Each of us has a name, given by the mountain –
given by our walls.

Each of us has a name, given by the stars –
given by our neighbors.
Each of us has a name, given by our sins –
given by our longing.
Each of us has a name, given by our enemies –
given by our love.
Each of us has a name, given by our celebrations –
given by our work.

Each of us has a name, given by the seasons –
given by our blindness.
Each of us has a name, given by the sea –
given by our death.

Suzzy and Maggie Roche produced a sung version of Zelda’s poem. You can hear it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsI1m-kRBtA

The poem mentions 19 sources of naming: God (or Love), parents, our stature, our smile, what we wear, the mountain, our walls, the stars, our neighbors, our sins, our longing, our enemies, our love, our celebrations (holidays), our work, the seasons, our blindness (closed-mindedness), the sea, our death (mortality).

How have each of these 19 “named you”? How do those names call you back to integrity? Spend a few hours, or a few days, going through Zelda’s poem line by line. How have each of those experiences imprinted itself on you and added a dimension to the wholeness and integrity of who you are?

Imagine each of the 19 saying to you, “You are _____” or “I name you _____.”
You are asking yourself: How did my first God experience say to me: “You are …”?
How has my relationship with my parents said to me: “You are …”?
How has my experience with mountains/nature said to me: “You are …”?
How has my experience with my shadow side or mistakes (“sins”) said to me: “You are …”?
And so on for all 19.

After answering the questions, consider assembling all your names into a list that functions as a poem of sorts. What surprised you about this exercise? What insights did you gain?

These exercises are from the 2021 Mar issue of On the Journey.

2020-05-14

Assess the Strength of Your Inner Critic

Practice of the Week
Assess the Strength of Your Inner Critic

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: The practices in this category are "worth a try" at least once. Some of them are daily practices, where giving them "a try" would mean doing them daily for a week. Others are one-time exercises to do and re-do quarterly or annually. Some practices in this category are great for responding to a particular need that may arise in your life. Others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.


Your Inner Critic whispers, whines, and needles you into place. Ze checks your thoughts, controls your behavior, and inhibits actions. Ze thinks ze is protecting you from being disliked, hurt, or abandoned. Instead, your Inner Critic:
  1. constricts your ability to be creative.
  2. stops you from taking risks because ze makes you fear failure.
  3. views your life as a series of mistakes waiting to happen.
  4. undermines your courage to change.
  5. compares you unfavorably with others and makes you feel "less than."
  6. is constantly warning you not to look foolish.
  7. is terrified of being shamed and so monitors all your behavior to avoid this.
  8. causes you to suffer from low self-esteem, and possibly depression, because ze tells you that you are not good enough.
  9. can make looking at yourself in a mirror or shopping for clothes miserable because of its ability to create such a negative view of the body.
  10. can take all the fun out of life with zir criticisms.
  11. makes self-improvement a compulsive chore because ze bases the work on the premise that something is wrong with you.
  12. doesn't allow you to take in the good feelings that other people have toward you.
  13. makes you susceptible, and often victim, to the judgments of other people.
How Strong Is Your Inner Critic?

Answer each of the following, 0-5:
0 = never, ever
1 = rarely
2 = between "rarely" and "occasionally"
3 = occasionally
4 = between "occasionally" and "frequently"
5 = frequently

_____ 1. I wake up at night worried about the mistakes that I made the day before.
_____ 2. I replay conversations after I've had them to see what I've done wrong.
_____ 3. I don't like the way my clothes look on me.
_____ 4. When I'm with other people, I wonder if they're critical me.
_____ 5. I'm cautious about trying anything new because I'm afraid of looking foolish.
_____ 6. I'm afraid people will laugh at me.
_____ 7. I worry about what other people think.
_____ 8. I feel inferior to other people.
_____ 9. I wish I had a more attractive body.
_____ 10. When I look in the mirror, I check to see what's wrong with me.
_____ 11. When I read over something I've just written, I'm not satisfied with it.
_____ 12. I'm afraid that there's something basically wrong with me.
_____ 13. I wonder what other people would think of me if they really knew what I was like underneath.
_____ 14. I compare myself with other people.
_____ 15. I seem to attract judgmental people.
_____ 16. I question my decisions after I have made them and think that I might have done better.
_____ 17. When I say 'No' I feel guilty.
_____ 18. When I take a test like this, I'm sure that I don't do as well as other people.
_____ 19. I avoid taking risks if I can help it.
_____ 20. When I think about self-improvement I feel that there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed.

Add up your answers to these 20 questions.
Less than 45 = small Inner Critic
46-75 = medium-sized Inner Critic
76-100 = large and strong Inner Critic

Once you've assessed the strength of your Inner Critic, you may want to practice ways of distancing yourself from (i.e., shrinking) your Inner Critic. See the Practice of the Week, "Confront Your Negative Inner Voice" for some approaches to take to your Inner Critic.

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2020-05-06

Heal What Your Feel: The Sensation Meditation

Practice of the Week
Heal What You Feel: The Sensation Meditation

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: These practices are "worth a try" at least once, or, say, for one week. Beyond that, different people will relate in different ways to the practices in this category. Some of these practices you will find great for "every once in a while" -- either because they are responses to a particular need that may arise or because they are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.


When clients come into my office, they describe many types of problems. Whatever their problem, it usually includes feeling stuck in anger, sadness, fear or hurt. I teach them the “Sensation Meditation” (SM), which is my adaptation of The Sedona Method. In this guided meditation, people focus on their negative feelings in a specific manner. By fully feeling their emotions without distraction, people can move through “stuck" feelings into a place of healing. When people finish using this simple three-minute meditation technique, they frequently report that their negative feelings have vanished, and that their body feels relaxed, peaceful, and at ease.

First, find a comfortable chair or couch. Take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Then, scan your body and notice the most uncomfortable feeling or sensation you feel. Focus on this area of your body, and feel exactly whatever is there. For example, if you're annoyed, you might notice a tightness in your chest and a warm feeling in your throat. If you're worried, you may notice a tension in your forehead muscles and shoulder blades.

Emotions are experienced in the body as specific sensations such as warmth or coolness, tightness or relaxation, sharp or blunt, etc. As you notice uncomfortable sensations in your body, try to be aware of the resistance you have to experiencing these uncomfortable feelings. Instead of avoiding or pushing away the discomfort you feel, allow the sensations to be there. Give yourself full permission to feel whatever is going on in the present moment.

As you tune into your present time sensations and let go of resisting whatever is there, you may notice that things start to change. Negative feeling arise and pass away if we don’t resist them. If we resist them, they stay stuck in our body. Let go of your resistance, focus on what you feel, and the dam of stuck feelings will become like a moving river once again.

To help you tune into the present sensations of your body, focus on the following questions:
1. Where in my body do I feel the most uncomfortable feelings or sensations?
2. How big of an area in my body does the core of these uncomfortable sensations cover?
3. Is this area warmer or cooler than the rest of my body? How exactly does it feel different?
4. What about this sensation do I resist or find uncomfortable?
5. Can I let go of my resistance and allow the sensations to flow through?
6. What is something I could feel grateful for or look forward to in my life?

As you go through each of these, focus on what the question points to. For example, if you're noticing how big an area the sensations occupy, compare it to the size of a baseball, a basketball, or whatever seems appropriate. Except for question number six, each of these inquiries will help you be present with your body. The more current you can be with the actual sensations in your body, the more quickly and easily stuck feelings will dissipate.

As you focus on these various questions, imagine you are a scientist objectively noticing the exact moment to moment sensations in your body. By the time you reach question number six, you'll probably feel relaxed. As you focus on what you feel grateful for or what you look forward to allow yourself to be filled with the feeling of gratitude or excitement. Once you feel relaxed and positive, you can slowly open your eyes and enjoy your day.

While the SM is great for cutting through stuck feelings, it's also an excellent tool for getting over minor upsets. If you feel a bit tense or annoyed, try taking three minutes to do this meditation. I think you'll notice you'll soon feel relaxed and at ease. With practice, you can even do a shorter version of this meditation. To do this, simply take a deep breath, notice the uncomfortable sensations in your body, and then relax and allow what you feel to fully be as it is. As you stay present with these sensations, you'll soon observe that they change, and like a river, flow through you. If you do this method enough, you may even be able to do the whole process in under a minute. It can be a great way to love yourself.

The SM helps your feelings through a natural, organic process. Instead of trying to distract yourself from your feelings—which simply allows them to stay stuck - your feelings naturally become unstuck as you fully feel them. Although it can be hard to believe, it is our resistance to our feelings that allows negativity to stick around in our body. Even for major upsets, like the ending of a relationship or a death in the family, the SM can help you move through your grief. Sometimes, the feelings will briefly become more intense before they subside. That's part of the healing process, and shouldn't be resisted either.

You might want to write out the six questions from the meditation on a little note card, or record the meditation on your Smartphone or MP3 player and then, when you need it, listen to it. To create your own guided Sensation Meditation, simply tell yourself to "focus on what feels uncomfortable in your body." Wait a minute to give yourself time to feel what is there and time to try to let go of any resistance. Then, read the six questions into whatever you use to record your voice, remembering to pause for about twenty seconds after each question. That's all that's needed.

Most people are secretly at war with their own feelings. This creates stress and has a tendency to keep bad feelings around. Fortunately, the SM can help you become friends with your feelings and your body once again.

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2019-06-07

Once-a-Month Retreat Days

Practice of the Week
Once-a-Month Retreat Days

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: These practices are "worth a try" at least once, or, say, for one week. Beyond that, different people will relate in different ways to the practices in this category. Some of these practices you will find great for "every once in a while" -- either because they are responses to a particular need that may arise or because they are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.


When I needed someone to confide in, someone to talk with about my own spiritual growth and struggles, I was referred to Sister Barbara, a Catholic spiritual director. In my initial conversation with Sister Barbara, we explored our faith understandings, seeking to determine where we might overlap, or even whether we overlapped. While she believes in a personal god and the agency of Jesus, she also finds process theology and mysticism central to her faith understanding. I have Buddhist leanings and a mystical humanist sensibility. We found we could work together just fine. I began to meet with her monthly for spiritual direction.

Over the months, we connected best on the practical aspects of the spiritual life: disciplines of journaling, dream work, and meditation. She often suggested just the right small spiritual exercise that helped me go deeper with some experience -- "Why don't you play with sketching that dream?" or "You might try writing a letter to them, one that you will not send."

One day I asked Sister Barbara if I could expand my visit from an hour-long meeting to a full day so I could "make retreat” on the grounds of her spiritual community, She agreed, and since then I have tried to make every visit a retreat day.

Retreat Days

Once a month, I arrive at Villa Maria at 10am, for my retreat day and spiritual direction session. I head to the empty sanctuary for meditation. This 1970s-era building, with its great expanses of fluid, impressionistic stained-glass windows, is often flooded with color and radiance. A bubbling fountain helps set a meditative mood.

After sitting for a half-hour, I find an unused room where I read and write in my journal for the rest of the morning. I review my journal entries from the previous month (however few or many) and reflect on them as I write an entry for that morning. At lunch I find an empty table and eat in silence.

The afternoon might include a walk in the woods or a walk on the labyrinth on the grounds. On cold and rainy days, I might hole up in the small library, exploring some of the Catholic mystics and liberal writers: Thomas Merton, Teilhard de Chardin, Richard Rohr. Or I might sketch at the Art Barn, a converted farm structure.

My hour of spiritual direction with Sister Barbara is the center of the day. We might explore what I've realized about the past month or where I'm sitting spiritually at the moment. After my session, I sometimes write in my journal about my discussion, continue reading or sitting, or merely wander the grounds.

These retreats are sometimes the most satisfying day in the month. I try my best to attend to myself, to turn inward, to discern what is happening with my spirit.

Create Your Own Directed Mini-Retreats

I have become an impassioned supporter of spiritual direction as a tool for people seeking to advance their spiritual growth. We benefit from a pattern of regular sessions with someone who can be fully present with us as we sort out our current place in the world and the direction of our next steps on the path.

In the past, people typically found a spiritual director by asking their religious leaders for contacts. Several online resources now offer help in finding spiritual directors.

Some directors prefer terms such as spiritual guide or spiritual companion, but the older term is most widely used. Some spiritual directors are comfortable working only within a specific tradition or theological framework, while others are willing to work with a more diverse group of directees. An initial phone call or meeting will help you discern if your styles are compatible

Combining a retreat day with regular meetings with a director adds depth to the experience. I am very fortunate to be able to take a whole day each month for retreat. You might have to juggle your daily life commitments with your retreat time and spiritual direction. You might try taking less than a full day for retreat at first or make a retreat on a week end day.

To craft a retreat day of your own, explore what facilities are available. Friends of mine make retreat at art museums, finding their quiet and beauty the ideal frame for contemplation. Libraries, especially university libraries, can be other good spots for retreat, provided you are not overly distracted by the delights on the shelves. Perhaps a coffee shop or dining area can provide quiet refuge for writing and reading. Being outside and walking or sitting in a park, rangeland, even a cemetery can be restorative. Consider what you really, deeply need in your retreat space. Where will you go when you need to cry? Where will you go when you need to dance?

For most people, detachment is a challenging but important part of a retreat. Staying out of contact is a desirable but sometimes unattainable goal.

Being silent is a core part of my detachment. But it can be hard to be completely silent in a retreat space where other people are not maintaining silence. My approach is to be silent except when interacting with people is necessary -- for example, to obtain my food at lunch. At times, I may offer a quiet greeting but not idle chatter.

Retreat and spiritual direction helped me stay grounded as I faced new challenges; they have helped me find the direction of my own spiritual growth.

When I mention my retreat days, people are often curious and perplexed, unable to imagine that such a thing is even possible or desirable. As a longtime meditator, I'm amazed and gratified that meditation and mindfulness practices have recently become popular in schools, workplaces, gyms, and even churches. These trends fill me with hope. I'm optimistic that the formalized solitude of making retreat, and the one-on-one companionship of spiritual direction, may also become ordinary components of the practice of serious spiritual seekers.

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2018-12-05

Have a Better Holiday

Practice of the Week
Have a Better Holiday

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: These practices are "worth a try" at least once, or, say, for one week. Beyond that, different people will relate in different ways to the practices in this category. Some of these practices you will find great for "every once in a while" -- either because they are responses to a particular need that may arise or because they are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.


“Pray without ceasing,” instructs the apostle Paul in his letter to the Thessalonians (5:17). The Greek word adialeiptos, translated as “without ceasing,” doesn’t mean nonstop, but constantly recurring.

Two of the central functions of prayer are to articulate to ourselves our heart’s hopes (which can devolve into the merely "asking for things” concept of prayer), and to express gratitude. For this practice, we focus on the gratitude.

If “God” tends not to be in your vocabulary, then think of Paul as urging gratitude to reality, to the world, to all things that are not in your control, that you cannot earn or deserve. Such gratitude offers a remarkable path to feel closer to reality (or God) during one's daily activities.

When I interviewed forty spiritual leaders and asked each about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God (or reality) throughout the day.

As Ram Dass put it,
“Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in."
Letting reality slip in means becoming more able to set aside the ego-defenses and delusions that separate us from reality.

Many spiritual traditions emphasize prayer that expresses thanks for the blessings in one's life. Many years ago, I received an important lesson about "thankfulness prayer" from a Native American medicine man named Bear. We meet at a location sacred to his tribe, and he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit. My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to reality. Bear began his prayer in his native tongue. It went on for fifty minutes, during which I grew increasingly restless.

Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear's calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don't pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.

Inspired by Bear, and many others I interviewed, I began practicing gratitude prayer. I begin by saying, “Thank you reality for (whatever is in my awareness)." Sometimes I would “prime the pump" by first thanking reality for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for. I might say, "Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for Helena, my partner.”

Then, as gratitude swelled in my heart, I would say "thank you” for whatever I was aware of. If I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my iPhone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness."

All things are gifts given to us to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle-class folks of today live better than kings lived just a hundred years ago. Yet, without the “thank you” habit, the amenities of modern life go unappreciated.

Once you have used this practice for a while, you will even begin to value things that are unpleasant. Getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time. Yet, if I'm practicing "thank you," I'm more likely to see how such an event can serve me. From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness-—three things I'm often short on. Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson! Thank you, reality, for all that help.

Like any repeated mantra or phrase, "thank you" can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. It can, however, become mechanical and rote if attention is not given appreciating in your heart the gift you've been given.

There is an ecstasy that arises out of gratitude. The “thank you” practice also helps us become more aware and present in the eternal now. By giving thanks for what's right in front of us, worries recede, replaced by an expanded awareness of what is currently occurring.


* * *

2018-09-19

The Shower-Write Practice

Practice of the Week
The Shower-Write Practice

Category: Occasional, or Worth a Try. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while," or "give it a try," or "as needed." You may find it so valuable that you stick with it, and it becomes a Key Supporting Practice for you. Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.


Our minds can sometimes fall victim to thoughts/feelings that spin out of control, resulting in a feeling of high anxiety and overwhelm. Times of great stress can drive us to seek escape (drugs, alcohol, binge eating, or various other addiction/escapist moves) – though escapes only make matters worse.

After much trial and error, I've found this simple Shower-Write practice that stops thoughts and emotions from spiraling out of control. This practice rescues us from mental "freak-out" and allows us to get our thoughts and emotions back under control.

SHOWER. Begin with a warm shower, then gradually make it cooler and cooler until it is very cold. Finally, end the shower by making the water very warm. A simple ten-minute shower like this can powerfully change how you think and feel.

WRITE. As soon as you’ve dried off, write down: “Three small steps I can take to better handle the things going on in my life.”

I once had a client, Linda, who periodically became overwhelmed by the demands of her life. When this happened, she would drink her way into oblivion, or become suicidal. After a couple of suicide attempts, she sought my professional help. Linda wanted to avoid anti-depressant medication because normally she wasn't depressed. In fact, she was often quite happy—but would occasionally become subject to intense feelings of fear. I suggested that, upon the first symptoms of feeling highly stressed or having suicidal thoughts, she take a shower, adjusting the water temperature as described.

Linda tried my suggestion the next time she felt overwhelmed, and was amazed at the results. However, she told me that after a few hours, the fearful thoughts returned. After all, the stressful situations in her life still existed. That’s when I told her to add the WRITE part. The next week when Linda returned to my office, she exclaimed, “It worked!”

Since creating this dual approach to handling feelings of overwhelm, I've used it with dozens of clients. They have all found it to be a practical and effective way to feel they are back in charge of their life.

Why does the shower-write practice work? Basically, our feelings are the result of sensations in our body combined with the focus of our mind. When we feel overwhelmed, it usually stems from trying to focus on all the problems we have or all the things we need to do. Inevitably, this leads to a feeling of stress in our body. Unfortunately, like a microphone caught in a feedback loop, the tightness of our body can lead to focusing even more on the problems we face. Soon, our emotions can be wailing out of control. Fortunately, this unpleasant cycle can be avoided. Showering relaxes your body and changes the focus of your mind. Going from warm, to cold, to hot water helps to “flush” your emotions through your body, leaving you feeling relaxed and renewed.

After the shower, simply get a piece of paper and write down your “anti-overwhelm” list, under the heading: "Three small steps I can take to better handle the things going on in my life.” Write down anything that occurs to you -- just get it out of your head and onto the paper, but make sure you have at least three things.

In addition to SHOWER and WRITE, there’s a PRE-STEP and a FOLLOW-THROUGH.

PRE-STEP. Help yourself know when it’s time to utilize this practice. Each person reacts to stress differently, so it's important to know the first signs that your emotions are careening into trouble. Ask yourself, “In previous times when I've felt overwhelmed, what were the first signs I was losing control?” Write your answer down on paper. This will help you recognize when to head for the shower.

FOLLOW THROUGH. Once you have a list of small actions you can take to handle the stress in your life, prioritize them. Ask yourself, “What's the most important thing to handle first?” Then, keep prioritizing them until you have a list of action steps, from most to least important. Finally, when you feel ready, take care of the first item on your list. By taking action, you'll feel better. You'll get out of your thinking mind and into taking care of the situation at hand. The experience of being overwhelmed results from a lot of thinking and little or no action. As you take even small steps to improve the situations at hand, you'll feel back in charge.

Sometimes people are so good at avoiding a problem that they don't even know a situation is overwhelming to them. To avoid unpleasant feelings, they stay in denial, or distract themselves a thousand different ways. For example, I had a client named Mark who had been in a very destructive relationship with his wife for a long time. Yet, he avoided ever trying to improve the relationship because, any time he thought about it, he felt inundated by fear. I suggested he try the Shower-Write Practice. Just to get him started, I told him not to worry about the follow-through part. “Just write down three steps; you don’t have to do any of them,” I told him. To his pleasant surprise, Mark not only wrote down five small things he could do, but he acted on three of them. When he excitedly walked into my office the next week, he reported, “I now have some hope. While our relationship still needs a lot of help, it feels a hundred percent better than it did last week."

If you live with people, ask them to remind you to use this method the next time you seem out of sorts. When you can quickly turn your fear into positive action, you'll avoid a lot of needless suffering, and you'll be well on your way to a happier and healthier life.

* * *


2018-05-24

Get (and Keep) Your Life in Balance

Practice of the Week
Get (and Keep) Your Life in Balance

OCCASIONAL or WORTH A TRY: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while" -- or "give it a try." You may find it so valuable that you stick with it, and it becomes a Key Supporting Practice for you. Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.


By working with hundreds of clients in therapy, I’ve learned that people’s lives are only as good as the worst thing in their life. If someone is rich, healthy, and beautiful, but their relationships are terrible, they’ll feel rotten. The one area of our lives that doesn’t work so well is the one that affects us the most. That’s the area that, until it starts going better, is most important.

Thus, having a system that reminds you to work on your weak areas is essential. With the various aspects of your life in balance, you’ll feel happier and more peaceful. You’ll spend less time distracting yourself from problems that could have been avoided. Rather than simply getting through each day, you’ll experience the abundance that comes from feeling you’re spending your time doing what’s truly important.

1. The List of Areas to Balance

Make a list of the areas of your life that need to be in balance. My list has eight areas to keep track of. Your list will be probably be very similar, since these are widely shared, or even universal, areas in all our lives. Here’s my list:
  • Career
  • Recreation
  • Spirituality
  • Level of fulfillment
  • Bodily health
  • Family and relationships
  • Finances
  • New learning
It’s easy to get absorbed into just one or two aspects of life, and let the others fall by the wayside. Yet, to have a truly fulfilling life, it’s necessary to create a healthy balance among the competing priorities for our time.

We may look like we’re successful in the short term, but if we fail to create balance, in the long term we will either burn out or be unhappy.

2. The Monthly Review

Once a month I look at each of the eight areas of my life, and I ask myself: “How am I doing in this area? Am I spending the appropriate amount of time, energy, and attention on it?” Usually the answer is obvious.

3. The Vow

If a particular area isn’t doing so well, vow to focus on it more during the upcoming month. Write down the vow at the beginning of each month.

4. The Daily Plan

I prioritize my day before I eat breakfast. I used to sometimes forget to set up my day, so I created a little reward system for myself. As soon as I’m done figuring out what’s most important to do that day, I eat breakfast. Since I love eating breakfast (and never miss it), this simply way of rewarding myself for prioritizing guarantees that it always gets done. Then, as I look over all the things I could do during that day, I ask myself two questions.

First Question: What’s really important to do today in order to create a balanced, happy life? This simple question gets my mind focused in the right direction. It’s a much better question to contemplate than asking yourself, “What do I have to do today?” Asking about what’s important helps remind me that the bottom line in life is not how much I do or make. Instead, it’s how much of my dreams of creating joy, love, and contribution I can integrate into my day-to-day life.

Second Question: What are the seven most important things I want to make sure I get done today? I write a brainstorm list of things I’d like to do, then I prioritize them from one to seven. Frequently, I include activities that are not business related, such as buying my partner flowers, or going on a bike ride. Over time, I’ve discovered that my career has its own way of getting my attention, so I don’t have to remind myself to give time to my career. The other areas of life are more likely to require intentional prioritizing.

Whatever aspect of life you are most likely to ignore is the one that’s most important to schedule. By scheduling your workouts, time with friends, or whatever you tend to overlook, your life will soon come into greater balance.

If you don’t get everything done on your list, write it on your next day’s schedule. If you finish the top seven items before the day is over, ask yourself the two prioritization questions once again. It only takes a minute, yet its effect on your life will be immense.

Many Americans suffer from time poverty. Though our material circumstances may be well above the poverty level, and studies indicate that we work fewer hours than we did thirty years ago, we may nevertheless feel that we don’t have enough time to do all the things we need to do. We waste a lot of time doing activities that bring us little lasting value -- such as watching TV – and forget to do things that add depth and meaning to our lives. A system to prioritize every single day what’s truly important to you will allow you to master your time and life. Without such a system, we are swept into the river of distractions – and will someday look back on our life and wonder where all the time went.

* * *

2018-04-19

Guided Meditation for Relaxing into Awe

Practice of the Week
Guided Meditation for Relaxing into Awe

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now, adapted and abridged


For this guided meditation, have a friend read to you the meditation below. (Later on, return the favor by reading it to them.) Or read the paragraph aloud into a recorder or smartphone. To experience the meditation, you'll need to close your eyes and follow the spoken words -- so you'll need either a friend or a recording of yourself.

There are a number of long pauses, so it should take about five to seven minutes for the meditation. You can make it longer if you like, adding your own words or waiting longer at the pauses -- but making it shorter will limit its effectiveness.

Read the words slowly and gently -- very slowly. When it says "pause", take about one minute of quiet before proceeding to the next words.

Find a comfortable position, close your eyes, and let the guided meditation begin.

The Meditation
* * *
Take a slow deep breath.
On the exhale, breathe out with a long, slow sighing sound.
Do this four times.
On the fourth exhale, let your jaw just drop open.
Allow your entire face to completely relax.
   (Pause.)
Focus on your jaw.
Notice any subtle tension or holding.
As you notice any holding, try to let it all go.
It might be helpful to yawn if you notice it feels tight or if you can't tell if there is any tension.
When your jaw feels relaxed, bring attention to relaxing the rest of your face.
   (Pause.)
Once again, become aware of any tightness.
As you notice it, gently allow it to completely let go.
As you let go of all the tension in your face and your being, you may notice you feel new sensations of being part of something else.
You can't effort your way into your soul.
You can only relax all resistance to being you soul.
   (Pause.)
As you let go of all tension, effort, and thoughts, you will merge more fully with the present moment.
When you completely relax your sense of self and become totally present, what remains is your pure awareness.
   (Pause.)
If you want, you can slowly open your eyes, keeping your jaw face, and entire body fully and completely relaxed.
Imagine you just arrived into this body, and you are looking out your eyes for the first time.
Behind the veils of who you think you are, there is pure awareness and love.
Allow yourself to let go and merge with your spiritual essence.
   (Pause.)
Take as much time as you need to become aware of the room you're in.
When you're ready, slowly stretch and move your body.
Stand up, and proceed with your day.
* * *
As with most forms of meditation, with practice you'll become better at it. It can be challenging to realize how much tension you hold, yet you'll soon find you're able to let it all go much more quickly than at first.

Why This Guided Meditation?

One manifestation of a higher level of being is the experience of awe. When you imagine someone being in a state of awe, how do you picture her or him? Most people report they imagine a person with their jaw hanging open, and a completely relaxed look on their face. Recently, I had the thought, "If I totally relaxed my jaw and face, I wonder if that might trigger a spiritual experience?" To my pleasant surprise, it did!

The first thing I noticed as I tried to completely relax my jaw was that it was very difficult to do. People hold a lot of tension in their face without even realizing it. By attempting to completely let go of the tightness in your jaw, you'll become aware of subtle tensions throughout your face.

In some forms of meditation, there is some precise thing to focus on -- such as a mantra or a candle flame. In this guided jaw-dropping meditation, the goal is to focus on the tension in your jaw and face. As you become aware of any tightness or holding and attempt to gently let it go, you can reach a level of subtlety where you see that even each thought creates a slight tension in your face.

People report different effects from this meditation. Some folks report that it's a powerful way to relax their entire body and mind in just a few minutes. Others say it triggers profound "mystical states." On many occasions I've had the experience of letting go of my separate sense of self, and for a moment, merging with what felt like a "warm pool of loving energy." It can be quite exhilarating! When we let go of the "tension" of being a separate "ego," it's possible to merge with pure awareness itself.

When you can completely relax your jaw and face, and open up to the present moment, you'll be left in an exquisite state of awe.

* * *

2018-03-29

Let Go and Have Faith

Practice of the Week
Let Go and Have Faith

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

For this exercise, we will consider faith in its aspect of trust.

For the Western religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam), faith involves trust in God. The core idea is that we don’t have to take responsibility for everything. How things turn out is, of course, an interactive mixture of what we do and what is beyond our control. Yet sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking we control what we do not.

One of our “secret” strategies for control involves “shoulding.” I try to ensure that other people – or even inanimate objects – will behave in the way I want by clinging tightly to a belief that they should behave that way. Thus, when somebody (maybe me) fails to be and do as they should, and the result is that things don’t turn out as I want, I get upset. Trust (whether in God, or in society, or in the universe) involves letting go of trying to control everything – including letting go of shoulding. There are two levels.

Level A: Trusting that things will work out the way I want them to
Level B: Trusting that things will work out in a way that is really and deeply OK even if it’s very different from what I would have wanted.

“Level B,” of course, gets more to the essence of faith – which reminds us that acceptance as well as trust are central aspects of faith.

Your exercise, then, is:

For one week try letting go of something that you normally spend energy “shoulding” about or otherwise trying to control. Just let go of worrying and meddling with it. In other words: pick one thing that you habitually expend energy to control -- and then step back and let go of as much control as you can over that thing. Have faith that it will turn out OK (even if it isn’t what you would have thought you’d want).

Examples might be:
-If you always follow a recipe when you cook, try making something elaborate and original with no recipe.
-If there is some assignment that your assistant or co-worker carries out with your careful oversight, trying letting them "fly solo" this time.
-Trust your kid in a way you haven't before.
-Try giving your next presentation with fewer notes than you usually rely upon.
-Set aside time for being outdoors (beach, woods, etc.) -- but do not check the weather forecast -- avoid any source that might mention what the weather will be. If it rains, or is too cold (or hot), adapt on the fly.
-Or, if this is the sort of thing that would be novel for you, go into the city without a plan. Just see what catches your fancy.
-If you carefully pair your socks before putting them in the drawer, next time you do laundry, throw all the sock in the drawer loose.
-Go on a "news fast." For one week, read (watch, or listen to) no news media. Let the world take care of itself for a week.
-Pick something that you're a fastidious perfectionist about, and do a half-assed job one time. (Who knows? By aiming at "half-assed," it may turn out even better!)

NOTE: Do exercise reasonable prudence in selecting something to let go of. Stepping back and trusting your toddler to make it across a busy street by himself would probably not be a good choice.

For Journaling

Write about the experience. What was hard about it? What was surprisingly easy?
.

* * *

2018-01-02

Take the Resilience Inventory

Practice of the Week
Take a Resilience Inventory

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

From First Unitarian Church of Albuquerque, NM, drawing on:
Al Siebert, “13 Ways to Develop Your Resiliency";
Brad Waters, "10 Traits of Emotionally Resilient People,";
a Harvard Medical School symposium, HERE.

Take this resilience inventory. Read the qualities listed below. For each quality, mark a + (plus) by the ones at which you world rate yourself as reasonably proficient. Mark a ^ (up arrow) by the ones in which you don’t feel proficient and want to work on.
Alternative: mark a + (plus) by the THREE at which you're most proficient. Mark a ^ (up arrow) by the THREE at which you're least proficient.

_____ Constantly learn from experience. James Joyce said, “A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.”
  • Consider some difficult experiences you havehad in your life. Ask yourself: What is the lesson to be learned here? Think of a key lesson you have learned from a stressful experience that you later applied to another situation.
_____ Have good friendships, loving relationships. Talking with friends and family diminishes the
impact of difficulties and increases feelings of self-worth, self-confidence and connectedness.
  • Think of a time when talking to someone made a dramatic difference to you as you were going through a difficult situation.
_____ Express feelings honestly. Highly resilient people can express anger, love, dislike,
appreciation, grief – the entire range of emotions honestly and openly. They can be vulnerable with
those they trust and can also suppress their feelings when they believe it best to do so.
  • Think of a time when were you able to express your feelings clearly and openly.
_____ Willing to sit in silence. We are masters of distraction: TV, overeating, abusing drugs, gossip,
etc. We all react differently; some shut down, others ramp up. Somewhere in the middle is
mindfulness, one of the oldest forms of healing and resilience building.
  • How well are you able to be mindful? What might you do to improve this quality in your life?
_____ Practice acceptance. Pain is painful, stress is stressful, and healing takes time. When we’re in
the middle of it, we want the pain to go away. Acceptance is not about giving up, it’s about leaning in
to experience the full range of emotions, trusting that we will bounce back.
  • How well are you able to accept your emotions when you experience a major setback?
____ Have solid self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. It acts as a buffer against
hurtful statements and destructive events. It is based on inner factors such as attributes, values and
principles rather than external factors such as job title, income level, physical attributes, and others’
opinions.
  • Complete this sentence: 3 things I really like about myself are:...
_____ Practice forgiveness. There is a strong correlation between forgiveness, hope, and
depression. We may not forget what happened, but we can forgive.
  • Think of a situation when you have forgiven someone (or yourself), and that forgiveness has enriched your life in some way.
_____ Mentally and emotionally flexible; comfortable with contradictory personality qualities.
Being both strong and gentle; sensitive and tough; logical and intuitive; serious and playful, etc. are a
few.
  • List a couple of contradictory personality qualities you have.
_____ Find purpose or meaning. Viktor Frankl said that to live happily, humans don’t require the
absence of suffering, but “the call of potential meaning.”
Recall a time when you found and focused
  • on the meaningful parts of a misfortune or struggle you experienced.
_____ Expect things to work out well. Look for the joy. Research shows that people who cultivate
positive emotion generally deal much better with adversity.
  • Find new things to be grateful for, focus on the good, exercise, meditate, do random acts of kindness. If you already practice some of these, think about how they affect your life. Which other practices might you consider adding to your life?
* * *

2017-11-30

Get Into Your Body

Practice of the Week
Get Into Your Body

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

James Joyce tells us in his short story, “A Painful Case,” that the story’s protagonist, a Mr. James Duffy, “lived at a little distance from his body.” Maybe you know the feeling. We all have bodies, but we might seek to distance ourselves from them. We might live in our heads, “at a little distance from” our bodies. This exercise is for reducing that distance.

First

Do a "Body Scan Meditation." About 10 mins. Lying down or sitting comfortably:

(a) Lower your eyelids – almost but not quite closing your eyes.

(b) Bring awareness to the body breathing in and out, noticing touch and pressure where it makes
contact with the seat or floor.

(c) When you’re ready (no rush), begin by bringing attention to the bottoms of your feet. Spend a
minute or two exploring what sensations you’re having on the bottoms of your feet. Sensations
might include buzzing, or tingling, pressure, tightness or temperature, or anything else you notice. If
you don’t notice any strong sensations or things feel neutral, simply notice that. Just tune in to
what’s present, as best you can, without judgement. The main point is being curious and open to
what you are noticing, investigating the sensations as fully as possible, and then intentionally
releasing the focus of attention before shifting to the next area to explore.

(d) Move to the tops and sides of the feet, and repeat (c). Then to the ankles, shins, calves, knees,
things, and so on all the way up your body.

(e) Each time your attention wanders, simply notice that this is happening, then gently and kindly
direct your attention back to exploring sensations in the body.

(f) After you’ve reached the top of your head and spent a minute exploring the sensations there,
take a few moments to expand your attention to feeling your entire body breathing freely.

(g) When you’re ready, raise your eyelids and move gently back into the rest of your day.

Second

Do a Movement Exercise. About 5 mins. Find a suitable spot and “move in a way that feels expansive to
you. Open your arms wide, or raise your hand in a high five, or mimic Steve Martin doing his ‘wild and
crazy guy’ shoulder shimmy. Sync that movement with your breathing and notice how that changes
your mood. How did that feel? Do you notice a change in your thinking or energy level?” (Steve
Sisgold)

Third

Bodily Connect to Your Roots. 10-15 mins. (From Steve Sisgold, Whole Body Intelligence). The aim
of this exercise is to discover unconscious movement patterns – increasing self-awareness, and
affording you with choice to change those patterns (which you can’t do if you aren’t aware of them.)
Have your journal handy. Put it to the side, within reach. Sitting comfortably:

(a) Bring to mind the primary person who took care of you – Mom, Dad, Grandma – when you were
small. Choose whoever influenced you the most before age 6.

(b) Close your eyes and, in your mind’s eye, visualize how that person moves or moved through life.
Take a deep breath in and out as you do this, then open your eyes.

(c) Mimic any gestures you recall that person making. She may have swung her hands, scrunched her
nose, or exhaled with a puff when she was frustrated. As you do this, notice what sensations and
emotions you feel.

(d) Get up and walk the way you remember that person walked. After you walk like that, take a
moment to pause and reflect. You are beginning to piece together your movement history.

(e) Write down in your journal: What sensations, emotions, and discoveries do you notice when you
take on the movements of that person? Which of these discoveries are still present in the way you
move through life today? What movement patters or trains did you learn from your parents or
primary caretakers that you would like to change?

2017-09-07

Forgiveness Meditation

Practice of the Week
Forgiveness Meditation

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

Adapted from Stephen Levine

Preparation: For this meditation, you’ll need to recollect three experiences: (1) a time when you were wronged by someone and resented it, (2) a time when you wronged someone else, (3) a time when you wronged or disappointed yourself.

Instructions: Read the meditation all the way through one time before beginning. Then, when you are ready, go through the meditation very slowly. Close your eyes for a few seconds after reading each sentence. When you get to a sentence in italics, speak those words aloud.

Bring into your heart the image of someone for whom you feel much resentment.
Take a moment to feel that person right there in the center of your chest.
Imagine yourself addressing that person, and say:
"For what you did – for anything you may have done -- that caused me pain, whether you did it intentionally or unintentionally, through your thoughts, words, or actions, I forgive you."
Take some time to let your words sink in.
Slowly allow that person to settle into your heart.
No force, just opening to them at your own pace.
Say to them:
"I forgive you."
Gently, gently open to them.
If it hurts, let it hurt.
Begin to relax the iron grip of your resentment, to let go of that incredible anger.
Say to them:
"I forgive you."
And allow them to be forgiven.
Now bring into your heart the image of someone you wish to ask for forgiveness.
Imagine yourself addressing that person, and say:
"For what I did – for anything I may have done -- that caused you pain, whether I did it intentionally or unintentionally, through my thoughts, words, or actions, I ask for your forgiveness.”
Take some time to let your words sink in.
Say to them:
“For all those words that were said out of forgetfulness or fear or confusion, I ask your forgiveness."
Allow yourself to receive forgiveness.
If you notice you are holding any resentment of yourself for what you did, or failed to do, gently set that aside.
Do not allow self-resentment to block your reception of forgiveness.
Let your heart soften to it.
Allow yourself to be forgiven.
Open to the possibility of forgiveness.
Holding the person in your heart, say to them:
"For whatever I may have done that caused you pain, I ask your forgiveness."
Now bring an image of yourself into your heart, floating at the center of your chest.
Bring yourself into your heart, and using your own first name, say to yourself:
“For all that you have done in forgetfulness and fear and confusion, for all the words and thoughts and actions that may have caused pain to anyone, I forgive you.”
Open to the possibility of self-forgiveness.
Let go of all the bitterness, the hardness, the judgment of yourself.
Make room in your heart for yourself.
Say to you:
"I forgive you."

* * *

Or try simply listening to and following an audio recording guiding you through a forgiveness meditation: Here's one from Tara Brach (28:50).

This youtube video forgiveness meditation is from Jason Stephenson:



* * *
See also, Practice of the Week, "Forgive Yourself"
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week"

2017-08-16

The Gratitude Visit

Practice of the Week
The Gratitude Visit:
How to Open Your Heart

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.


A story:
Once upon a time, there was a very depressed teenage boy named Roy. Roy hardly spoke to anyone. He spent his days at school feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He even seriously thought of ways of committing suicide. Luckily, Roy had an English teacher named Mr. Downing. Mr. Downing had a big heart, and he could see that Roy was in trouble. One day Mr. Downing asked Roy to stay after class and join him for lunch. Hesitantly, Roy accepted. During the lunch, Mr. Downing asked Roy a lot of questions, like what was troubling him, and how he might be of help. He told Roy that he thought he was a very smart and special kid, and gave him a lot of encouragement. Because of his talke with Mr. Downing, Roy put off his plans to kill himself. Eventually Roy graduated from Jr. High and never thanked Mr. Downing -- for twenty-five years. By then, Roy had become a successful and happy person, and he wrote Mr. Downing a detailed letter reminding him of what he did for Roy as a teenager, and how his act of kindness changed, and even saved, Roy's life. Roy tracked down Mr. Downing's phone number, called him up and asked if he could visit. Roy went to Mr. Downing's home, shared some more about who he was, and read aloud the letter he had written. As Roy finished the letter, both men were teary eyed. Mr. Downing Roy that the letter was one of the best gifts he'd ever received. For several days, the encounter left Roy with a warm glow.
What is called "Positive Psychology" represents psychology's shift from focus on the ill to helping normal people live more fulfilled and happy lives. Dr. Marty Seligman has tested various techniques to see if they can increase a person's level of happiness over a long period of time. He's found some techniques that work, and some that don't. For example, he's shown that, unless one is quite poor, more money has almost no effect on one's level of happiness. Beauty, youth, and intelligence also fail to lead to happiness. Seligman also found some things that do work, and one of the of the most powerful is the Gratitude Visit. It's a way of thanking someone who has affected your life in a positive way.
"The Gratitude Visit involves three basic steps: First, think of someone who has done something important and wonderful for you, yet who has not been properly thanked. Next, reflect on the benefits you received from this person, and write a letter expressing your gratitude for all he or she did for you. Finally, arrange to deliver the letter personally, and spend some time with this person talking about what you wrote." (Marty Seligman)
No one knows why the Gratitude Visit has such a dramatic effect in lifting the spirit. Research shows that it not only lifts your level of happiness that day, but its effect lasts a full month with no negative side effects. That's powerful medicine. If only anti-depressants were that effective!

To whom would you want to write a letter? What would you want to tell this person? Even just contemplating such a letter and/or visit may be of help. First think of anyone who you'd like to thank for affecting your life in a positive way -- a coach, a minister, a parent, a friend, or even an employer. It's best if the person you choose is someone you could potentially meet face to face sometime in the next month.

Second, when you begin your letter, simply say why you're writing and what she or he did for which you are grateful. Give details about his her or his kindness or help has affected your life in various ways. Then, if possible, do whatever it takes to arrange a face-to-face meeting. That may not be easy, but it's a hundred times better than a phone call -- and please don't even think about email.

When contacting the person to whom you've written, it's best if you can be a bit vague about why you're wanting to get together. The Gratitude Visit is even more fun when it's a surprise to the person receiving it. When you're face to face with your recipient, say that you have an important letter to read to them. Make sure they're not distracted with other things, and when the time is right, read the letter slowly and with feeling. Savor the experience for awhile, and if it feels right, then feel free to talk about what you wrote. I don't know if this experience sounds like much to you, but the reality of it can be very heart opening and powerful.

The Gratitude Visit is a dramatic way to show someone you care, but you're also welcome to express gratitude to people in smaller ways. For instance, you can write a not to a waitress saying you appreciate her great service. You can send an email to a friend briefly stating how he or she has positively affected your life. You can write a little love not to your mate expressing your gratitude for something nice that was done for you. All these little notes of gratitude help to bring the spirit of appreciation and thankfulness into your daily life, and that always feels good.

At the beginning, you may feel some resistance to doing something like this. My bet is that if you start this letter of gratitude, you'll soon find yourself enjoying the process. Then, if you can, arrange to meet with this person sometime in the next month or so, and read your letter directly to them. You'll be glad you did, Take not if this exercise givesyou a bit of a lift in life. If you're like most people, you'll be surprised to find that it does indeed have a noticeable effect.

Also on the web about Gratitude Visits: HERE, and HERE. For a "Virtual Gratitude Visit" see HERE.

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See also Practices of the Week, "Be Grateful" and "Be Grateful to Everyone"
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

2017-07-19

Reward Yourself

Practice of the Week
Reward Yourself

Category: Occasional: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.


When you were a child, your parents might have rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. Rewards helped guide you, and made you feel loved.

Once you left your parent's home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. As adult, we must learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. Most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can benefit from this powerful tool.

The first and perhaps hardest task in learning to encourage yourself is to come up with a list of at least a dozen rewards -- things that you enjoy doing or having. The best treats are those that are not harmful to your health, are readily available and don't cost much. A week-long trip to Paris wouldn't be good reward for your list. Ask yourself, "What are little things I like to do or have, to which I rarely treat myself?"

Here's one sample list of enjoyable, nonharmful, readily available, and inexpensive rewards:
  1. Taking a bath.
  2. Listening to my favorite music for a half-hour.
  3. Eating chips and salsa.
  4. Going to a movie.
  5. Going to my favorite nearby nature spot.
  6. Calling one of my friends who lives far away.
  7. Playing guitar.
  8. Getting a professional massage or a brief one from my partner.
  9. Watching a favorite TV show.
  10. Going to a favorite restaurant.
  11. Being physically intimate with my partner.
  12. Reading the newspaper.
Some of these cost money, and some don't. Some involve other people, while others don't. Certain items can be done in five minutes, while others might take an entire evening. It's good to have a variety of items on your list so you can have different levels and types of rewards.

Once you've made your list, put a copy of it in a place where you'll see it often. We are prone to forget to reward ourselves for hard work. If you have your list in a prominent place, it will help remind you that you need to take care of yourself.

With your rewards list done, you can now begin using it to shape your behavior. First, ask yourself, "What would I like to encourage and motivate myself to do?" Think of a few key behaviors that you know you wish you were more regular at doing. Perhaps it's exercising regularly, contacting new clients at work, or meditating every day. Second, decide to give yourself an appropriate reward after you do what is difficult for you to do. For large tasks, such as finishing a major project at work, you might give yourself a sizable prize. For small tasks, consider giving yourself just a small, simple treat. After a while, your brain will get the message that it's worth doing difficult tasks because you invariably get rewarded for your efforts.

In my therapy practice, my clients and I often make "deals" in which they agree to give themselves a major reward once they've achieved a specific goal. One client, "Frank," had always wanted to go on a trip around the world. He made a deal with me that as soon as he had $20,000 saved up, he would immediately buy his tickets and go. Starting with almost no money, he saved up the full amount in just 18 months. Dangling a big enough carrot in front of yourself can create miraculous changes in your behavior and attitudes.

Some people are used to indulging themselves. They eat big meals, go to movies, and take nice trips whenever they feel like it. If you're like that, then consider withholding from yourself your accustomed rewards until after you've done something you know would be good for you to do.

Each person must find a healthy balance between doing work and receiving rewards. If you tend to be a workaholic, be sure to treat yourself to something pleasurable after each difficult task you complete. If you tend to be indulgent, make your access to rewards dependent on completing some of your responsibilities.

A loving parent knows when his or her child needs encouragement, and when he or she needs to be disciplined. Now that you're all grown up, you need to decide for yourself what you need. With practice, you'll find the right amount of rewards that help you feel motivated, supported, and balanced in life.

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For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

2017-06-08

Fasting

Practice of the Week
Fasting

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

adapted from Marta Morris Flanagan in Everyday Spiritual Practice, Ed. by Scott Alexander
"I want to fast to help me
slow down and connect with myself,
to be more conscious of my decision,
not only about food, but about all the ways
that I "stuff my feelings, my spirit.
I want to live more consciously."
--Matt Muise
I fast at least once a year, for three days at a time. I abstain from all solid food and limit myself to drinking fruit juices, herbal tea, and water. This juice fast prevents dehydration and provides many vital nutrients while still inviting me to abstain and feel that emptiness of body and openness of soul.

When I fast, I pay greater attention to life. I am more mindful. Some practice fasting as a time of repentance and self-sacrifice. For them, like other ascetic practices, fasting involves the denial or withholding of pleasure. But for me, fasting is not a form of suffering, because I do not find suffering in and of itself a useful spiritual discipline.

Instead, I fast to make more room for God. When I want to deepen or reawaken my sense of the Spirit, it is helpful to let go of something else. When I fast, I create more room for God in my life, sometimes simply by the large amount of time that is freed from thinking about, shopping for, and preparing food. My hunger during the fast also serves as a visceral reminder of my own deepest yearnings.

We are all hungry people. It is often difficult to be in touch with our spiritual hunger if we are satiated with food. Try to meditate on a full stomach! Often we stuff ourselves with food in a vain attempt to feed another kind of hunger that cannot be satisfied with food. Often we fill our hungers with food, with drink, with busyness, with distractions like television. Fasting is a time-honored spiritual discipline that awakens us to the deeper hungers within.

During a fast we give up anything that has become a habit that might harm the body during the fasting period: caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, sweeteners o all kinds, drugs, and medicines, as far as possible. Fasting is not appropriate for people who battle bulimia or anorexia or those with special health problems. But fasting for a short period of time is healthy for most others. It cleanses the body of toxins. Some medical doctors have advocated fasting for purely physical health reasons. I find that the first twenty-four hours are the hardes physically. I can feel tired and have headaches. But there is a sense of freedom that comes to me on the second day.

In the beginning of a fast many people are fascinated by the physical aspects of the experience. But more important is to monitor the attitude of your heart.

Fasting is spiritual discipline known to every world religion. The Jewish calendar includes several fast days, most prominently the Day of Atonement or Yom Kippur, while Muslims fast between dawn and dusk during the month of Ramadan. In the Christian tradition, fasting was once a common discipline, continuing from the early church up to the Reformation. During the Middle Ages, it became associated with excessive ascetic practices involving rigid regulations and extreme self-mortification and thus fell into disfavor. In recent years, fasting has attracted renewed interest.

Moses, David, Zoroaster, Kongfuzi (Confucius), Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and Buddha all fasted for spiritual reasons. Like Elijah, who was fasting when he heard a still small voice, we are more open to the Spirit when we fast. And like Jesus, who was fasting when he was tested in the wilderness, we realize depths of faith and personal powers when we fast.

Why fast?

Fasting reveals things that control us. We often cover up what is inside us with food. When we fast, these things surface. While fasting we may feel the sorrow, anger, regret, or pride we have been hiding from ourselves.

Fasting is a way to bring awareness to what we do. Many of us eat for emotional comfort. It becomes an automatic impulse.

Fasting helps us pay attention, and when we do, our relationship to things changes. We see more and see more deeply. We are present to the moment.

Fasting helps us return to a balance in our lives. How easily we let the nonessential take precedence. How quickly we crave things we do not need.

Fasting is a time to write in a journal, pray, meditate, walk. These are all ways of being receptive to grace.

When fasting, it is helpful to keep daily concerns and distractions to a minimum. I do not watch television when I fast. Instead of relying on stimuli from the outside, it’s best to try living with yourself. Let yourself be directed from within.

When fasting, do whatever does your body good. If you are tired, sleep. If you like physical activity, exercise. Do things that please you: read, dance, or listen to music.

When you fast, it is helpful to reflect each day. Ask yourself:
  • What was hardest about today’s fast? What was easiest?
  • What surprised me about fasting today?
  • In what ways did I become aware of the deeper hunger of my soul today?
  • What were the inner demons I encountered today on this fast?
  • What special grace did I experience today?
You may give your fast a focus. Some people are mindful that two-thirds of the world go hungry every day. They fast as an act of concern and identification. The money saved from this experience goes toward hunger. I know of one person who was so struck by an insight into himself during a therapy session that he spontaneously observed a twenty-four-hour fast to help him remember and deepen that insight.

Beginning and ending a fast is important. Gathering with others to observe a fast’s initiation and again to break the fast can be helpful. In one breaking-fast ritual I have participated in, we each brought a reading, a poem, or a passage that spoke to us during the fast. We also brought a piece of fruit. Silently, one by one, we approached the table and prepared our piece of fruit, placing the pieces on china plates, one for each person. One of us would slowly cut a banana and distribute slices to the plates. Another person would peel and divide the sections of an orange, and so on.

When we all had gone forward in silence and prepared our fruit, we were left with a plate for each of us with an array of fruit. It was a wondrous offering of food. Slowly, mindfully, and with great intention, we broke the fast by tasting the fruit before us. And always after the silence of our meditation, there was laughter as we ate together. It was good.

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For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"