Ask Yourself About Successes, Gratitudes, Love, Self-Appreciation

Practice of the Week
Ask Yourself About Successes, Gratitudes, Love, Self-Appreciation

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

By asking yourself specific questions on a regular basis, you can dramatically change your life.

Questions are a quick and powerful way to change your focus -- and what you focus on grows. Our emotional state is largely determined by what we think about. If we subconsciously think throughout the day, "What else is wrong in my life?" then we'll likely feel anxious a lot of the time. However, if we focus on the question, "What can I feel grateful for?" then it's easy to feel a whole lot better.

Asking questions to change your focus is a time-tested technique. We already do it, and it has an immense impact on how we feel. Unfortunately, usually we use this method to make ourselves feel angry, depressed, or anxious. We think of things like, "What else do I have to do today?" or "Why is that person such a jerk?" Like a good computer, our brain attempts to answer whatever question we feed it. Out of the millions of things it could think about, our mind chooses just a few things to focus on. How does it know what to let into consciousness, and what to ignore? Our brain chooses what to perceive based on the subconscious (or conscious) questions we ask ourselves. If you ask a negative question, you'll likely feel morose. If you ask a positive one, you'll focus on different thoughts and likely end up feeling good.

Over many years of trial and error, I have found there are four specific questions that are effective in quickly changing how a person feels. They are:

1. What small successes have I had recently?
2. What could I feel grateful for?
3. Who do I love and/or who loves me?
4. What do I appreciate about myself?

Each of these questions can be like a flashlight that helps you see past your inner darkness to the "heaven within." It only takes one or two minutes of focusing on any of these questions to change what you perceive and how you feel. To tune into the magic they offer, simply begin by taking a slow, deep breath, and then repeat the chosen question a couple of times. At first you'll probably come up with intellectual answers that don't seem very connected to your feelings. Yet with practice you'll learn to feel positive emotions that result from the answers you think of.

For example, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, you may choose to ask yourself, "What small successes have I had recently?" As you think of several answers you'll notice your thoughts will begin to move in a different direction. By focusing and visualizing one or more successes, you can begin to tune into the feelings of confidence and achievement. In just a couple of minutes you can transform your experience and feel immensely better.

When you answer any of the four questions, the important thing is to think of specific instances when you felt what the question is asking you about. They need not be big, dramatic examples -- they only need to be times that were emotionally meaningful to you. For instance, when asking yourself, "What could I feel grateful for?" you could feel thankful for literally hundreds of things. You could feel gratitude for being healthy, for having food when much of the world goes hungry, for friends, or even for the use of your phone. By focusing on how fortunate you are, you cultivate gratitude as a habit.

The question, "Who do I love and who loves me?" can be a wonderful way to dive into your heart and experience the grace of love. By remembering a specific time you felt loved by someone, or a particular time you felt in love with someone, it's possible to tune into the warmth within your heart. With practice, you can take "mini love breaks" throughout the day that open your heart with love in just a minute of meditation.

The final question, "What do I appreciate about myself?" can be a good antidote to feelings of self-dislike or unworthiness. The simple fact that you have read this far shows that you're interested in bettering yourself. You probably have a lot of little things about yourself which are likable. By thinking of some of them, you'll feel better. For some people it's hard to see what is good and lovable about themselves. If you have a hard time with this question, you might try asking yourself, "What good things would my friends say about me?" As you focus on what you (or others) see as your positive traits, you'll feel more confident, lovable, and have genuine compassion for yourself.

The hardest thing about this technique is remembering to use it. Yet if you give it a really good try, you'll see that it works wonders. Being able to quickly go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling confident, or feeling anxious to being grateful is one of the most important skills a person could learn. To a large extent, your ability to act effectively in the world is based on how good you feel. As you gain more control over your thoughts and emotions by asking yourself these four questions, you'll not only feel better -- but you'll also be better able to contribute to others.

How do you quickly change how you feel? By asking yourself the right questions!

For Journaling

Each day this week, incorporate into your journal entry an answer to one of the four key questions.

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For list of all weekly practices: "Practice of the Week Index"

Heal What Your Feel: The Sensation Meditation

Practice of the Week
Heal What You Feel: The Sensation Meditation

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: These practices are "worth a try" at least once, or, say, for one week. Beyond that, different people will relate in different ways to the practices in this category. Some of these practices you will find great for "every once in a while" -- either because they are responses to a particular need that may arise or because they are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

When clients come into my office, they describe many types of problems. Whatever their problem, it usually includes feeling stuck in anger, sadness, fear or hurt. I teach them the “Sensation Meditation” (SM), which is my adaptation of The Sedona Method. In this guided meditation, people focus on their negative feelings in a specific manner. By fully feeling their emotions without distraction, people can move through “stuck" feelings into a place of healing. When people finish using this simple three-minute meditation technique, they frequently report that their negative feelings have vanished, and that their body feels relaxed, peaceful, and at ease.

First, find a comfortable chair or couch. Take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Then, scan your body and notice the most uncomfortable feeling or sensation you feel. Focus on this area of your body, and feel exactly whatever is there. For example, if you're annoyed, you might notice a tightness in your chest and a warm feeling in your throat. If you're worried, you may notice a tension in your forehead muscles and shoulder blades.

Emotions are experienced in the body as specific sensations such as warmth or coolness, tightness or relaxation, sharp or blunt, etc. As you notice uncomfortable sensations in your body, try to be aware of the resistance you have to experiencing these uncomfortable feelings. Instead of avoiding or pushing away the discomfort you feel, allow the sensations to be there. Give yourself full permission to feel whatever is going on in the present moment.

As you tune into your present time sensations and let go of resisting whatever is there, you may notice that things start to change. Negative feeling arise and pass away if we don’t resist them. If we resist them, they stay stuck in our body. Let go of your resistance, focus on what you feel, and the dam of stuck feelings will become like a moving river once again.

To help you tune into the present sensations of your body, focus on the following questions:
1. Where in my body do I feel the most uncomfortable feelings or sensations?
2. How big of an area in my body does the core of these uncomfortable sensations cover?
3. Is this area warmer or cooler than the rest of my body? How exactly does it feel different?
4. What about this sensation do I resist or find uncomfortable?
5. Can I let go of my resistance and allow the sensations to flow through?
6. What is something I could feel grateful for or look forward to in my life?

As you go through each of these, focus on what the question points to. For example, if you're noticing how big an area the sensations occupy, compare it to the size of a baseball, a basketball, or whatever seems appropriate. Except for question number six, each of these inquiries will help you be present with your body. The more current you can be with the actual sensations in your body, the more quickly and easily stuck feelings will dissipate.

As you focus on these various questions, imagine you are a scientist objectively noticing the exact moment to moment sensations in your body. By the time you reach question number six, you'll probably feel relaxed. As you focus on what you feel grateful for or what you look forward to allow yourself to be filled with the feeling of gratitude or excitement. Once you feel relaxed and positive, you can slowly open your eyes and enjoy your day.

While the SM is great for cutting through stuck feelings, it's also an excellent tool for getting over minor upsets. If you feel a bit tense or annoyed, try taking three minutes to do this meditation. I think you'll notice you'll soon feel relaxed and at ease. With practice, you can even do a shorter version of this meditation. To do this, simply take a deep breath, notice the uncomfortable sensations in your body, and then relax and allow what you feel to fully be as it is. As you stay present with these sensations, you'll soon observe that they change, and like a river, flow through you. If you do this method enough, you may even be able to do the whole process in under a minute. It can be a great way to love yourself.

The SM helps your feelings through a natural, organic process. Instead of trying to distract yourself from your feelings—which simply allows them to stay stuck - your feelings naturally become unstuck as you fully feel them. Although it can be hard to believe, it is our resistance to our feelings that allows negativity to stick around in our body. Even for major upsets, like the ending of a relationship or a death in the family, the SM can help you move through your grief. Sometimes, the feelings will briefly become more intense before they subside. That's part of the healing process, and shouldn't be resisted either.

You might want to write out the six questions from the meditation on a little note card, or record the meditation on your Smartphone or MP3 player and then, when you need it, listen to it. To create your own guided Sensation Meditation, simply tell yourself to "focus on what feels uncomfortable in your body." Wait a minute to give yourself time to feel what is there and time to try to let go of any resistance. Then, read the six questions into whatever you use to record your voice, remembering to pause for about twenty seconds after each question. That's all that's needed.

Most people are secretly at war with their own feelings. This creates stress and has a tendency to keep bad feelings around. Fortunately, the SM can help you become friends with your feelings and your body once again.

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PRACTICES INDEX

Thank Without Ceasing

Practice of the Week
Thank Without Ceasing

Category: SLOGANS TO LIVE BY: Carry these reminders at all times. These practices don't require setting aside a separate substantial chunk of time -- but they will slow you down a bit (and that's a good thing.) Resolve to get stronger at living by these maxims, day by day. Sometimes make one of them the focus of your daily journaling.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

“Pray without ceasing,” instructs the apostle Paul in his letter to the Thessalonians (5:17). The Greek word translated as “without ceasing” (adialeiptos) doesn’t mean nonstop, but constantly recurring.

Two of the central functions of prayer are to articulate to ourselves our heart’s hopes (which can devolve into the merely “asking for things” concept of prayer), and to express gratitude. For this practice, we focus on the gratitude.

Paul's full phrase is "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances" (Thes 5:16-18). For Paul, thanks is given to God. If “God” tends not to be in your vocabulary, then think of being grateful to reality, to the world, to all things that are not in your control, that you cannot earn or deserve. Such gratitude offers a remarkable path to feel closer to reality (or God) during one's daily activities.

When forty spiritual leaders were asked about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator, the most common answer was focusing on feeling grateful to God (or reality) throughout the day.

As Ram Dass put it,

“Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in."

Letting reality slip in means becoming more able to set aside the ego-defenses and delusions that separate us from reality.

Many spiritual traditions emphasize prayer that expresses thanks for the blessings in one's life. Many years ago, Jonathan Robinson arranged to interview a Native American medicine man named Bear. They met at a location sacred to Bear's tribe, and Bear suggested that they begin by offering a prayer to the Great Spirit. Robinson's simple prayer was that the time together be well spent, and that it would serve for becoming closer to reality. Then Bear took his turn. He prayed in his native tongue, and he kept praying, as Robinson grew increasingly restless, for fifty minutes.

Trying to hide his irritation, Robinson began the interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear's calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don't pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to Robinson that this man really knew how to pray.

How

Begin by saying, “Thank you reality for [whatever is in your awareness]." You may want to “prime the pump" by thanking reality for things that are easy to feel grateful for. You might say, "Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for [name of your partner].”

Then, as gratitude swells in your heart, say "thank you” for whatever you are aware of. If you are driving somewhere you might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my iPhone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness."

All things are gifts given to us to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle-class folks of today live better than kings lived just a hundred years ago. Yet, without the “thank you” habit, the amenities of modern life go unappreciated.

Once you have used this practice for a while, you will even begin to value things that are unpleasant. Getting cut off by an aggressive driver is no one's idea a good time, yet Thessalonians says, "Give thanks in all circumstances." From a grateful state of mind, you can see that the experience is an opportunity to practice and strengthen your patience, compassion, and forgiveness. Thank you, reality, for that help!

Like any repeated mantra or phrase, "thank you" can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. It can, however, become mechanical and rote if attention is not given to appreciating in your heart the gift you've been given.

There is an ecstasy that arises out of gratitude. The “thank you” practice also helps us become more aware and present in the eternal now. By giving thanks for what's right in front of us, worries recede, replaced by an expanded awareness of what is currently occurring.

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PRACTICES INDEX

Have a Better Holiday

Practice of the Week
Have a Better Holiday

Category: WORTH A TRY, or OCCASIONAL, or MIGHT BE YOUR THING: These practices are "worth a try" at least once, or, say, for one week. Beyond that, different people will relate in different ways to the practices in this category. Some of these practices you will find great for "every once in a while" -- either because they are responses to a particular need that may arise or because they are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. Among these practices you may find the one particular practice that becomes your main and central spiritual practice -- or a Key Supporting Practice.

from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now, adapted, abridged

“Pray without ceasing,” instructs the apostle Paul in his letter to the Thessalonians (5:17). The Greek word adialeiptos, translated as “without ceasing,” doesn’t mean nonstop, but constantly recurring.

Two of the central functions of prayer are to articulate to ourselves our heart’s hopes (which can devolve into the merely "asking for things” concept of prayer), and to express gratitude. For this practice, we focus on the gratitude.

If “God” tends not to be in your vocabulary, then think of Paul as urging gratitude to reality, to the world, to all things that are not in your control, that you cannot earn or deserve. Such gratitude offers a remarkable path to feel closer to reality (or God) during one's daily activities.

When I interviewed forty spiritual leaders and asked each about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God (or reality) throughout the day.

As Ram Dass put it,

“Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in."

Letting reality slip in means becoming more able to set aside the ego-defenses and delusions that separate us from reality.

Many spiritual traditions emphasize prayer that expresses thanks for the blessings in one's life. Many years ago, I received an important lesson about "thankfulness prayer" from a Native American medicine man named Bear. We meet at a location sacred to his tribe, and he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit. My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to reality. Bear began his prayer in his native tongue. It went on for fifty minutes, during which I grew increasingly restless.

Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear's calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don't pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.

Inspired by Bear, and many others I interviewed, I began practicing gratitude prayer. I begin by saying, “Thank you reality for (whatever is in my awareness)." Sometimes I would “prime the pump" by first thanking reality for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for. I might say, "Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for Helena, my partner.”

Then, as gratitude swelled in my heart, I would say "thank you” for whatever I was aware of. If I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my iPhone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness."

All things are gifts given to us to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle-class folks of today live better than kings lived just a hundred years ago. Yet, without the “thank you” habit, the amenities of modern life go unappreciated.

Once you have used this practice for a while, you will even begin to value things that are unpleasant. Getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time. Yet, if I'm practicing "thank you," I'm more likely to see how such an event can serve me. From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness-—three things I'm often short on. Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson! Thank you, reality, for all that help.

Like any repeated mantra or phrase, "thank you" can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. It can, however, become mechanical and rote if attention is not given appreciating in your heart the gift you've been given.

There is an ecstasy that arises out of gratitude. The “thank you” practice also helps us become more aware and present in the eternal now. By giving thanks for what's right in front of us, worries recede, replaced by an expanded awareness of what is currently occurring.


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PRACTICES INDEX

The Shower-Write Practice

Practice of the Week
The Shower-Write Practice

Category: Occasional, or Worth a Try. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while," or "give it a try," or "as needed." You may find it so valuable that you stick with it, and it becomes a Key Supporting Practice for you. Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now, adapted, abridged

Our minds can sometimes fall victim to thoughts/feelings that spin out of control, resulting in a feeling of high anxiety and overwhelm. Times of great stress can drive us to seek escape (drugs, alcohol, binge eating, or various other addiction/escapist moves) – though escapes only make matters worse.

After much trial and error, I've found this simple Shower-Write practice that stops thoughts and emotions from spiraling out of control. This practice rescues us from mental "freak-out" and allows us to get our thoughts and emotions back under control.

SHOWER. Begin with a warm shower, then gradually make it cooler and cooler until it is very cold. Finally, end the shower by making the water very warm. A simple ten-minute shower like this can powerfully change how you think and feel.

WRITE. As soon as you’ve dried off, write down: “Three small steps I can take to better handle the things going on in my life.”

I once had a client, Linda, who periodically became overwhelmed by the demands of her life. When this happened, she would drink her way into oblivion, or become suicidal. After a couple of suicide attempts, she sought my professional help. Linda wanted to avoid anti-depressant medication because normally she wasn't depressed. In fact, she was often quite happy—but would occasionally become subject to intense feelings of fear. I suggested that, upon the first symptoms of feeling highly stressed or having suicidal thoughts, she take a shower, adjusting the water temperature as described.

Linda tried my suggestion the next time she felt overwhelmed, and was amazed at the results. However, she told me that after a few hours, the fearful thoughts returned. After all, the stressful situations in her life still existed. That’s when I told her to add the WRITE part. The next week when Linda returned to my office, she exclaimed, “It worked!”

Since creating this dual approach to handling feelings of overwhelm, I've used it with dozens of clients. They have all found it to be a practical and effective way to feel they are back in charge of their life.

Why does the shower-write practice work? Basically, our feelings are the result of sensations in our body combined with the focus of our mind. When we feel overwhelmed, it usually stems from trying to focus on all the problems we have or all the things we need to do. Inevitably, this leads to a feeling of stress in our body. Unfortunately, like a microphone caught in a feedback loop, the tightness of our body can lead to focusing even more on the problems we face. Soon, our emotions can be wailing out of control. Fortunately, this unpleasant cycle can be avoided. Showering relaxes your body and changes the focus of your mind. Going from warm, to cold, to hot water helps to “flush” your emotions through your body, leaving you feeling relaxed and renewed.

After the shower, simply get a piece of paper and write down your “anti-overwhelm” list, under the heading: "Three small steps I can take to better handle the things going on in my life.” Write down anything that occurs to you -- just get it out of your head and onto the paper, but make sure you have at least three things.

In addition to SHOWER and WRITE, there’s a PRE-STEP and a FOLLOW-THROUGH.

PRE-STEP. Help yourself know when it’s time to utilize this practice. Each person reacts to stress differently, so it's important to know the first signs that your emotions are careening into trouble. Ask yourself, “In previous times when I've felt overwhelmed, what were the first signs I was losing control?” Write your answer down on paper. This will help you recognize when to head for the shower.

FOLLOW THROUGH. Once you have a list of small actions you can take to handle the stress in your life, prioritize them. Ask yourself, “What's the most important thing to handle first?” Then, keep prioritizing them until you have a list of action steps, from most to least important. Finally, when you feel ready, take care of the first item on your list. By taking action, you'll feel better. You'll get out of your thinking mind and into taking care of the situation at hand. The experience of being overwhelmed results from a lot of thinking and little or no action. As you take even small steps to improve the situations at hand, you'll feel back in charge.

Sometimes people are so good at avoiding a problem that they don't even know a situation is overwhelming to them. To avoid unpleasant feelings, they stay in denial, or distract themselves a thousand different ways. For example, I had a client named Mark who had been in a very destructive relationship with his wife for a long time. Yet, he avoided ever trying to improve the relationship because, any time he thought about it, he felt inundated by fear. I suggested he try the Shower-Write Practice. Just to get him started, I told him not to worry about the follow-through part. “Just write down three steps; you don’t have to do any of them,” I told him. To his pleasant surprise, Mark not only wrote down five small things he could do, but he acted on three of them. When he excitedly walked into my office the next week, he reported, “I now have some hope. While our relationship still needs a lot of help, it feels a hundred percent better than it did last week."

If you live with people, ask them to remind you to use this method the next time you seem out of sorts. When you can quickly turn your fear into positive action, you'll avoid a lot of needless suffering, and you'll be well on your way to a happier and healthier life.

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PRACTICES INDEX

Get (and Keep) Your Life in Balance

Practice of the Week
Get (and Keep) Your Life in Balance

OCCASIONAL or WORTH A TRY: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while" -- or "give it a try." You may find it so valuable that you stick with it, and it becomes a Key Supporting Practice for you. Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now, adapted, abridged

By working with hundreds of clients in therapy, I’ve learned that people’s lives are only as good as the worst thing in their life. If someone is rich, healthy, and beautiful, but their relationships are terrible, they’ll feel rotten. The one area of our lives that doesn’t work so well is the one that affects us the most. That’s the area that, until it starts going better, is most important.

Thus, having a system that reminds you to work on your weak areas is essential. With the various aspects of your life in balance, you’ll feel happier and more peaceful. You’ll spend less time distracting yourself from problems that could have been avoided. Rather than simply getting through each day, you’ll experience the abundance that comes from feeling you’re spending your time doing what’s truly important.

1. The List of Areas to Balance

Make a list of the areas of your life that need to be in balance. My list has eight areas to keep track of. Your list will be probably be very similar, since these are widely shared, or even universal, areas in all our lives. Here’s my list:

• Career
• Recreation
• Spirituality
• Level of fulfillment
• Bodily health
• Family and relationships
• Finances
• New learning

It’s easy to get absorbed into just one or two aspects of life, and let the others fall by the wayside. Yet, to have a truly fulfilling life, it’s necessary to create a healthy balance among the competing priorities for our time.

We may look like we’re successful in the short term, but if we fail to create balance, in the long term we will either burn out or be unhappy.

2. The Monthly Review

Once a month I look at each of the eight areas of my life, and I ask myself: “How am I doing in this area? Am I spending the appropriate amount of time, energy, and attention on it?” Usually the answer is obvious.

3. The Vow

If a particular area isn’t doing so well, vow to focus on it more during the upcoming month. Write down the vow at the beginning of each month.

4. The Daily Plan

I prioritize my day before I eat breakfast. I used to sometimes forget to set up my day, so I created a little reward system for myself. As soon as I’m done figuring out what’s most important to do that day, I eat breakfast. Since I love eating breakfast (and never miss it), this simply way of rewarding myself for prioritizing guarantees that it always gets done. Then, as I look over all the things I could do during that day, I ask myself two questions.

First Question: What’s really important to do today in order to create a balanced, happy life? This simple question gets my mind focused in the right direction. It’s a much better question to contemplate than asking yourself, “What do I have to do today?” Asking about what’s important helps remind me that the bottom line in life is not how much I do or make. Instead, it’s how much of my dreams of creating joy, love, and contribution I can integrate into my day-to-day life.

Second Question: What are the seven most important things I want to make sure I get done today? I write a brainstorm list of things I’d like to do, then I prioritize them from one to seven. Frequently, I include activities that are not business related, such as buying my partner flowers, or going on a bike ride. Over time, I’ve discovered that my career has its own way of getting my attention, so I don’t have to remind myself to give time to my career. The other areas of life are more likely to require intentional prioritizing.

Whatever aspect of life you are most likely to ignore is the one that’s most important to schedule. By scheduling your workouts, time with friends, or whatever you tend to overlook, your life will soon come into greater balance.

If you don’t get everything done on your list, write it on your next day’s schedule. If you finish the top seven items before the day is over, ask yourself the two prioritization questions once again. It only takes a minute, yet its effect on your life will be immense.

Many Americans suffer from time poverty. Though our material circumstances may be well above the poverty level, and studies indicate that we work fewer hours than we did thirty years ago, we may nevertheless feel that we don’t have enough time to do all the things we need to do. We waste a lot of time doing activities that bring us little lasting value -- such as watching TV – and forget to do things that add depth and meaning to our lives. A system to prioritize every single day what’s truly important to you will allow you to master your time and life. Without such a system, we are swept into the river of distractions – and will someday look back on our life and wonder where all the time went.

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PRACTICES INDEX

Guided Meditation for Relaxing into Awe

Practice of the Week
Guided Meditation for Relaxing into Awe

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now, adapted and abridged

For this guided meditation, have a friend read to you the meditation below. (Later on, return the favor by reading it to them.) Or read the paragraph aloud into a recorder or smartphone. To experience the meditation, you'll need to close your eyes and follow the spoken words -- so you'll need either a friend or a recording of yourself.

There are a number of long pauses, so it should take about five to seven minutes for the meditation. You can make it longer if you like, adding your own words or waiting longer at the pauses -- but making it shorter will limit its effectiveness.

Read the words slowly and gently -- very slowly. When it says "pause", take about one minute of quiet before proceeding to the next words.

Find a comfortable position, close your eyes, and let the guided meditation begin.

The Meditation

* * *
Take a slow deep breath.
On the exhale, breathe out with a long, slow sighing sound.
Do this four times.
On the fourth exhale, let your jaw just drop open.
Allow your entire face to completely relax.
   (Pause.)
Focus on your jaw.
Notice any subtle tension or holding.
As you notice any holding, try to let it all go.
It might be helpful to yawn if you notice it feels tight or if you can't tell if there is any tension.
When your jaw feels relaxed, bring attention to relaxing the rest of your face.
   (Pause.)
Once again, become aware of any tightness.
As you notice it, gently allow it to completely let go.
As you let go of all the tension in your face and your being, you may notice you feel new sensations of being part of something else.
You can't effort your way into your soul.
You can only relax all resistance to being you soul.
   (Pause.)
As you let go of all tension, effort, and thoughts, you will merge more fully with the present moment.
When you completely relax your sense of self and become totally present, what remains is your pure awareness.
   (Pause.)
If you want, you can slowly open your eyes, keeping your jaw face, and entire body fully and completely relaxed.
Imagine you just arrived into this body, and you are looking out your eyes for the first time.
Behind the veils of who you think you are, there is pure awareness and love.
Allow yourself to let go and merge with your spiritual essence.
   (Pause.)
Take as much time as you need to become aware of the room you're in.
When you're ready, slowly stretch and move your body.
Stand up, and proceed with your day.
* * *

As with most forms of meditation, with practice you'll become better at it. It can be challenging to realize how much tension you hold, yet you'll soon find you're able to let it all go much more quickly than at first.

Why This Guided Meditation?

One manifestation of a higher level of being is the experience of awe. When you imagine someone being in a state of awe, how do you picture her or him? Most people report they imagine a person with their jaw hanging open, and a completely relaxed look on their face. Recently, I had the thought, "If I totally relaxed my jaw and face, I wonder if that might trigger a spiritual experience?" To my pleasant surprise, it did!

The first thing I noticed as I tried to completely relax my jaw was that it was very difficult to do. People hold a lot of tension in their face without even realizing it. By attempting to completely let go of the tightness in your jaw, you'll become aware of subtle tensions throughout your face.

In some forms of meditation, there is some precise thing to focus on -- such as a mantra or a candle flame. In this guided jaw-dropping meditation, the goal is to focus on the tension in your jaw and face. As you become aware of any tightness or holding and attempt to gently let it go, you can reach a level of subtlety where you see that even each thought creates a slight tension in your face.

People report different effects from this meditation. Some folks report that it's a powerful way to relax their entire body and mind in just a few minutes. Others say it triggers profound "mystical states." On many occasions I've had the experience of letting go of my separate sense of self, and for a moment, merging with what felt like a "warm pool of loving energy." It can be quite exhilarating! When we let go of the "tension" of being a separate "ego," it's possible to merge with pure awareness itself.

When you can completely relax your jaw and face, and open up to the present moment, you'll be left in an exquisite state of awe.

* * *

PRACTICES INDEX

When People Annoy, Ask Yourself Two Questions

Practice of the Week
When People Annoy, Ask Yourself Two Questions

Category: Slogans to live by. Practices for everyone to keep in mind and pay attention to. These practices don't require setting aside a separate substantial chunk of time. Just have the intention to grow stronger in each of these areas as you go about your day, and sometimes make one of them the focus of your daily journaling. The titles of these practices are guiding slogans to live by.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

Sometimes people are irritating! They’re incompetent, or liars, or loud mouths, or bullies – maybe all of the above. If you regularly interact with people, these judgments about some of them are likely to arise. Maybe you even have annoying people in your own family or house.

People may be annoying, irritating, or hurtful for various reasons. Maybe they have very low self-esteem due to having experienced a traumatic upbringing. Because they didn’t receive the love they needed as a child, they use destructive and desperate measures to gain recognition as an adult. Moreover, they are usually unaware of the effect of their behavior on other people. After all, what they really want is love, and their way of behaving certainly doesn’t lead to that result.

People are usually pretty good at detecting when you are annoyed with them – even if they didn’t foresee how their behavior would trigger your annoyance. Your annoyance, then, may cause them to feel more threatened, which may make them still more annoying. If, however, they sense that you accept and understand them, they may calm down and be easier to deal with. The problem is: accepting and understanding can be extremely difficult when you’re annoyed!

How do you put up with people who push your buttons (even though you’re the one who keeps those buttons active)? By learning how to view “difficult” people with compassion, you’ll feel better – and may even help the annoying person.

There are two questions that can almost instantly transform irritation into forgiveness, and judgment into understanding.

Question #1: Ask yourself, “What pain must this person have experienced in the past in order to act so desperately now?”

After asking yourself this question, try to imagine the answer. It’s unlikely you would have enough information to know, but that doesn’t matter. Jut imagining a possible answer does the trick. Was the person you find annoying unloved as a baby? Was he mistreated by parents or teachers? Perhaps she was criticized and rejected by everyone, and what you’re seeing is the result of her pain. By imagining people as helpless, hurt little infants, you will likely feel some compassion for them. When you open your heart and let compassion in, your annoyance ends. You can’t feel compassion and understanding at the same time as annoyance and irritation. Imagining the other person’s pain will also help him feel less feel less threatened by you.

Question #2: Ask yourself, “How is that person’s behavior like something that I do?"

Often we feel the most irritation at people who have an annoying behavior similar to one of our own – one that we try to hide from ourselves. Seeing how their behavior is like something that you do creates instant forgiveness and compassion.

Example: I used to get livid at a housemate who made a lot of noise in the kitchen. I thought he was incredibly inconsiderate of others. One day I confronted him about the clashing of pans and cupboards that he created. He shot back, “Well look who’s talking. If your stereo isn’t blaring, you’re wailing on your guitar or singling off key.” Indeed, he was right. Because I didn’t want to think of myself as inconsiderate of others, I projected all my stuff onto to him.

Awareness of how you do something similar to the person with whom you’re annoyed gives you the space to understand and forgive. The more specifically you can pinpoint a behavior you do that is like the one that bothers you, the more understanding you are likely to be.

“Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye?” asks Jesus (Matt 7:3, Luke 6:41). Looking at the “log in your own eye” will make you sympathetic to the plight of the person you had previously judged.

Will being understanding and compassionate to difficult people allow them to walk all over you? No. It just gives you a clearly and larger perspective on their behavior. The two questions help you better comprehend the situation. With a clear mind and an open heart, it is easier to see the appropriate action to take. Instead of adding fuel to the fire, these two questions help healing begin.

Ultimately, we are all very much alike. We’ve all experienced being in a nasty mood, and most of us have even treated other people like dirt on occasion. When we’re in such a state of mind, it is only through understanding and caring that we are pulled out. These two Compassion Questions are powerful and can instantly transform your judgments into forgiveness and acceptance.

Precisely because they are so effective, you may notice yourself resisting use of the Compassion Questions. After all, compassion means no longer enjoying the gratifications of judgmentalism and self-righteousness. Thus, it may help to ease yourself into this practice. Don’t try it, at first, with people that make you absolutely livid. Start with people who just mildly annoy you. Once you see it can work with people you slightly judge, progress at your own pace to use the Compassion Questions with people who really push your buttons. As you get good at turning annoyance into compassion, you will be helping to heal your own heart as well as others’.

For Journaling

Use your journal this week to practice working with the two Compassion Questions. Recall a past encounter with an annoying person. In your journal, write a description of what might be the annoying person's pain. Then describe how the annoying behavior is similar to something you do.

* * *
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

Confront Your Negative Inner Voice

Practice of the Week
Confront Your Negative Inner Voice

Category: Slogans to live by. Practices for everyone to keep in mind and pay attention to. These practices don't require setting aside a separate substantial chunk of time. Just have the intention to grow stronger in each of these areas as you go about your day, and sometimes make one of them the focus of your daily journaling. The titles of these practices are guiding slogans to live by.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

When I was in my early teen years, I barely spoke. People considered me to be painfully shy. However, the real reason I didn't talk was because I was a slave to someone known as Bertha. Bertha would scream at me whenever I attempted to make friends with anyone. In a voice full of alarm and panic, she would yell, "You better NOT do that -- you'll look stupid!" When I heard her, I would immediately back off and lose my opportunity to make a friend. The fact that Bertha was only a voice inside my own head didn't make her any less scary. She was completely in control -- until I came upon a method that got her off my back and out of my head. Once her attempts to scare me no longer worked, my life radically changed.

You may have your own particular form of "Bertha." It may be a voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough, or smart enough, or that you'll always be a loser. Like an out-of-control cancer, destructive thoughts can ruin a person's life if they're not confronted.

STEP ONE: Clearly identify the harmful voices in your head. While we all have critical thoughts from time to time, most people have one or two thought patterns that are particularly destructive and limiting. What are yours? (See the Practice of the Week: "Assess the Strength of Your Inner Critic")

Here are ten thought patterns that often give people problems:

1. I should just kill myself.
2. I hate myself.
3. I can't do anything right.
4. No one could ever love me.
5. I better not say anything because I'll just look foolish.
6. I'm so ugly (or fat).
7. I'm so stupid.
8. S/he is going to pay for what s/he did to me.
9. I can't believe I did that. I am so dumb.
10. I just need a stiff drink (or smoke, etc.) and everything will be OK.

Once you recognize a specific destructive thought pattern from your own life or the above list, it's helpful to give it a name. With apologies to all women named Bertha, that was the name I chose to represent my negative inner voice. "Bertha" represented to me an imposing, mean, nasty-tempered authoritarian. When that voice in my head said, "You better not do that -- you'll look stupid!" identifying the voice as "Bertha" helped me create some distance. With the voice named, it didn't seem so ominous. It was no longer me saying I needed to behave a certain way -- it was mean and nasty Bertha. What name could you give to a specific voice in your head? Any name will do. The important thing is that you know precisely the thought pattern to which the name corresponds. Once you've identified a specific voice and given it a name that fits, you're ready for the confrontation.

Negative inner voices affect our lives only when we take them seriously. Harmful voices feed off our reaction to them. If we can laugh at them or even ignore them, they soon wither and die. They have no power other than the energy we give them. Once a negative inner voice has been identified and named, we're ready for step two.

STEP TWO: Practice ways of distancing yourself from the negative, harmful voice. There are two ways to do this:

(A.) Have a dialog with the negative inner voice. When you do this, imagine that your "Bertha" (or "Sam" or whatever name you've picked) has been assigned the job of annoying and controlling you. Your job, on the other hand, is to avoid taking its ranting seriously. Talk to the voice -- silently, or even out loud. Say things like:

• "Hello, I was expecting you now. I hear what you're saying, and you always say the same old stuff. I'm not buying it. Get some new material if you expect to hook me like you used to."
• "Why don't you just calm down and take your finger off the panic button? I know you think you're trying to protect me, but you're not needed now. Everything is just fine, and you just sound stupid when you get hysterical."

Your dialog with your negative inner voice should be whatever works for you. In general, the more your "Bertha" realizes you are hip to its ways, the more it will leave you alone.

(B.) Change the tone of voice in which she speaks to you. Most people hear their negative inner voice speaking in a mean, scary, or urgent tone. Much of the impact of these harmful thoughts comes not just from what they say, but how they sound. Fortunately, you can easily change the tone of the voice to sound ridiculous. Next time you hear your particular brand of Bertha, try repeating the words in Mickey Mouse voice. Or try Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny -- whatever voice works for you to make your negative inner voice sound silly. No matter what you think, it's hard to take it seriously if it's in a Bugs Bunny voice.

As you talk back to your Bertha, or change her tone of voice to sound funny, you'll no longer find her to be so scary or bothersome. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but passing thoughts need not hurt you if you don't take them seriously. The bothersome thoughts of a negative inner voice are a great burden, and it feels wonderful to have that burden lifted. You'll be free to act in ways that you previously avoided, and you'll be able to create new outcomes in your life. Confronting your negative inner voice -- getting it out of your head and off your back -- can help you soar to new heights.

For Journaling

At first, you may not be able to confront your negative inner voice "on the spot" and in the moment when the voice arises. So practice with your journal. At the end of the day -- or the beginning of the next one -- address your negative inner voice in your journal. Write it a letter. Address your voice by name (whatever name you've given it), tell it what its usual patterns are, and why you're not going to let it be in charge any more.

* * *
See also:
Out Your Inner Awesome: "How to Silence Your Negative Inner Voice"
Psychology Today, "Steps to Overcoming Your Critical Inner Voice"
Psych Central, "Three Unique Techniques for Navigating a Negative Inner Voice"

Idea Journal

Practice of the Week
Idea Journal

Category: May be a part of your Journaling practice, one of the three core daily practices.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

The average person has about 50,000 thoughts a day. Most of them are just like the ones you had the day before. Occasionally, though, you have a realization that is new, powerful, and potentially life changing. Perhaps it's an insight into how to make your relationship better, or maybe it's an ingenious idea for how to complete a project at work. Whatever your insight, it likely becomes lost as it's quickly overwhelmed by all the other thoughts in your head. Oh well. If you had only written it down, you could have reaped the rewards of your important realization.

You don't have to let your bright ideas get lost anymore. By beginning an idea journal -- or by using your journal for sketching ideas -- you can keep track of your most meaningful thoughts.

An idea journal is not like a diary in which you summarize important life events. Instead, it's a recording of your ideas, insights, and hopes. Like an artist's sketchbook, it's where you jot out a rough draft sketch of concepts you can subsequently flesh out. An idea journal becomes like a trusted friend, reminding you of where you want to go in life, and how you can best get there. By reading your idea journal periodically, you can trigger important new insights, as well as inspire yourself to take actions that can change your destiny.

These five guidelines can help you turn a book of blank pages into one of your most prized possessions -- one that has a profound impact on your life.

1. Keep your idea journal near you at all times. You never know when brilliance will strike. For convenience, some people have a couple small journals, rather than one large one. Others find it handy to keep a mini digital recorder around to record important thoughts. (Then, when they have time, they transfer their recorded thoughts into a computer file or journal.) A third approach is to type ideas into a laptop computer, smartphone, or tablet. Whatever your means of recording, have it near you at all times.

2. Write (or record) in your journal the moment you think of something you don't want to forget. If you're in the shower or walking the dog when a great insight comes, immediately stop what you're doing and record your thoughts. I used to think I could write down my ideas at a later time, I almost always forgot to. I use a digital audio recorder because some of my best insights came while driving my car or walking my dog. Since my brain now realizes I take its insights seriously, my brain now produces more important realizations than I used to have. Keeping an idea journal is like taking care of a beautiful flower: the more you attend to the brilliant "flowers" in your mind, the more they grow.

3. Structure the entries in a way that works for you. Some people derive the most benefit from an idea journal when the entries appear in outline form, while others prefer an unstructured way of writing. As you practice, you'll soon discover what works best for you.

4. Discern what to include and what not to include. If you write too much in your idea journal, it will be boring to read. If you write too little, using it for only the profoundest insights, it will not be as useful a tool as it could be. Again, with time and practice you'll find the best balance. Personally, most of my journal entries fit under four headings: important insights, personal goals, actions I'd like to take, and creative ideas. Coming up with your own list of categories will help you get a feel for what to include and what not to.

5. Discover your method for using the entries you've made. I set aside a small period of time each week to review the previous week's entries. As you look over your entries, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to realize the quality of your insights.

True genius is not something reserved for a chosen few, but rather is something we all experience on occasion. By keeping an idea journal that records your most profound thoughts, you'll be able to make greater use of the genius within you, and compassionately offer to the world a more creative you.

* * *
See also: "Four Reasons to Keep an Idea Journal"
"How to Keep an Idea Journal"
"Keys to an Effective Idea Journal"

For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

Act!

Practice of the Week
Act!

Category: Slogans to Live By: Practices for everyone to keep in mind and pay attention to. These practices don't require setting aside a separate substantial chunk of time. Just have the intention to grow stronger in each of these areas as you go about your day, and sometimes make one of them the focus of your daily journaling. The titles of these practices are guiding slogans to live by.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

The "Act!" practice is a supplement to the earlier "Discern" practice. Begin by reviewing "Discern" HERE.

Discernment, that is, cultivating and listening to your intuition, is a vital and profoundly valuable process for us, but over-reliance on it can be a trap. The inner guide has important wisdom for you, but sometimes it needs you take some actions so it can use the results in formulating its guidance. In fact, discernment and action work together to help you pinpoint what your Higher Self is calling you to do.

If, upon asking for internal guidance we sense that something feels right or true, that's a message that we're "getting warmer." On the other hand, when something doesn't feel fight, or is somehow unclear, that means we're "getting cooler." It's time to re-evaluate our direction. But we also need the guidance of external feedback. If you share your feelings with your partner and he or she expresses appreciation for you, that's a good indication you're on the right path. On the other hand, if you talk to your mate and he or she gets irritated and upset, that can be an indication there is something off course. By listening to both inner and outer messages, you can better steer yourself to align with your best self.

As spiritual beings, we have a subtle balance to maintain. One part of our task is to take a lot of action, learning from the feedback we receive. The other part of our task is to be as sure as we can that the action we take is inspired from a deep place within ourselves. Action that isn't guided by discernment can lead to a lot of fruitless wheel-spinning. But discernment that isn't informed by feedback from taking action will often be unclear. Finding the right balance of intuition and action is an ongoing process. Yet there are signs that you've veered too far toward either side.

A sign that you're not taking enough action is that nothing ever gets accomplished. Taking action and failing is better than never taking any action at all. We've all known people who have grand visions of what they'd like to create, but never seem to do anything but dream. It's a shame because their ideas may be great. These people need the lessons that only diving into action can teach -- they'll make some wrong turns, and become wiser from their efforts.

On the other side of the fence are people who are always taking action, but who never listen to what their soul is saying. They get a lot done, and sometimes even rise to the top of their industry. Unfortunately, their feeling of dissatisfaction is evidence that they are off course. Taking action predicated only on the desire for personal profit is damaging to one's soul, one's relationship with other people, and to the planet. It is only when we strike the right balance of taking meaningful action, guided by careful discernment, that we can accomplish our dreams and have a good time doing it. By listening to the inner voice and to outer voices responding to our actions, over time we can know what we're here to do and align with our Higher Self. It can be a long journey to arrive at a moment of alignment, but when it happens, it's pure magic.

For Journaling

Use your journal to draft a plan of action for pursuing a yearning of your heart.

* * *
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

The Gratitude Visit

Practice of the Week
The Gratitude Visit:
How to Open Your Heart

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

A story:

Once upon a time, there was a very depressed teenage boy named Roy. Roy hardly spoke to anyone. He spent his days at school feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He even seriously thought of ways of committing suicide. Luckily, Roy had an English teacher named Mr. Downing. Mr. Downing had a big heart, and he could see that Roy was in trouble. One day Mr. Downing asked Roy to stay after class and join him for lunch. Hesitantly, Roy accepted. During the lunch, Mr. Downing asked Roy a lot of questions, like what was troubling him, and how he might be of help. He told Roy that he thought he was a very smart and special kid, and gave him a lot of encouragement. Because of his talke with Mr. Downing, Roy put off his plans to kill himself. Eventually Roy graduated from Jr. High and never thanked Mr. Downing -- for twenty-five years. By then, Roy had become a successful and happy person, and he wrote Mr. Downing a detailed letter reminding him of what he did for Roy as a teenager, and how his act of kindness changed, and even saved, Roy's life. Roy tracked down Mr. Downing's phone number, called him up and asked if he could visit. Roy went to Mr. Downing's home, shared some more about who he was, and read aloud the letter he had written. As Roy finished the letter, both men were teary eyed. Mr. Downing Roy that the letter was one of the best gifts he'd ever received. For several days, the encounter left Roy with a warm glow.

What is called "Positive Psychology" represents psychology's shift from focus on the ill to helping normal people live more fulfilled and happy lives. Dr. Marty Seligman has tested various techniques to see if they can increase a person's level of happiness over a long period of time. He's found some techniques that work, and some that don't. For example, he's shown that, unless one is quite poor, more money has almost no effect on one's level of happiness. Beauty, youth, and intelligence also fail to lead to happiness. Seligman also found some things that do work, and one of the of the most powerful is the Gratitude Visit. It's a way of thanking someone who has affected your life in a positive way.

"The Gratitude Visit involves three basic steps: First, think of someone who has done something important and wonderful for you, yet who has not been properly thanked. Next, reflect on the benefits you received from this person, and write a letter expressing your gratitude for all he or she did for you. Finally, arrange to deliver the letter personally, and spend some time with this person talking about what you wrote." (Marty Seligman)

No one knows why the Gratitude Visit has such a dramatic effect in lifting the spirit. Research shows that it not only lifts your level of happiness that day, but its effect lasts a full month with no negative side effects. That's powerful medicine. If only anti-depressants were that effective!

To whom would you want to write a letter? What would you want to tell this person? Even just contemplating such a letter and/or visit may be of help. First think of anyone who you'd like to thank for affecting your life in a positive way -- a coach, a minister, a parent, a friend, or even an employer. It's best if the person you choose is someone you could potentially meet face to face sometime in the next month.

Second, when you begin your letter, simply say why you're writing and what she or he did for which you are grateful. Give details about his her or his kindness or help has affected your life in various ways. Then, if possible, do whatever it takes to arrange a face-to-face meeting. That may not be easy, but it's a hundred times better than a phone call -- and please don't even think about email.

When contacting the person to whom you've written, it's best if you can be a bit vague about why you're wanting to get together. The Gratitude Visit is even more fun when it's a surprise to the person receiving it. When you're face to face with your recipient, say that you have an important letter to read to them. Make sure they're not distracted with other things, and when the time is right, read the letter slowly and with feeling. Savor the experience for awhile, and if it feels right, then feel free to talk about what you wrote. I don't know if this experience sounds like much to you, but the reality of it can be very heart opening and powerful.

The Gratitude Visit is a dramatic way to show someone you care, but you're also welcome to express gratitude to people in smaller ways. For instance, you can write a not to a waitress saying you appreciate her great service. You can send an email to a friend briefly stating how he or she has positively affected your life. You can write a little love not to your mate expressing your gratitude for something nice that was done for you. All these little notes of gratitude help to bring the spirit of appreciation and thankfulness into your daily life, and that always feels good.

At the beginning, you may feel some resistance to doing something like this. My bet is that if you start this letter of gratitude, you'll soon find yourself enjoying the process. Then, if you can, arrange to meet with this person sometime in the next month or so, and read your letter directly to them. You'll be glad you did, Take not if this exercise givesyou a bit of a lift in life. If you're like most people, you'll be surprised to find that it does indeed have a noticeable effect.

Also on the web about Gratitude Visits: HERE, and HERE. For a "Virtual Gratitude Visit" see HERE.

* * *
See also Practices of the Week, "Be Grateful" and "Be Grateful to Everyone"
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

Reward Yourself

Practice of the Week
Reward Yourself

Category: Occasional: These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

When you were a child, your parents might have rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. Rewards helped guide you, and made you feel loved.

Once you left your parent's home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. As adult, we must learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. Most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can benefit from this powerful tool.

The first and perhaps hardest task in learning to encourage yourself is to come up with a list of at least a dozen rewards -- things that you enjoy doing or having. The best treats are those that are not harmful to your health, are readily available and don't cost much. A week-long trip to Paris wouldn't be good reward for your list. Ask yourself, "What are little things I like to do or have, to which I rarely treat myself?"

Here's one sample list of enjoyable, nonharmful, readily available, and inexpensive rewards:

1. Taking a bath.
2. Listening to my favorite music for a half-hour.
3. Eating chips and salsa.
4. Going to a movie.
5. Going to my favorite nearby nature spot.
6. Calling one of my friends who lives far away.
7. Playing guitar.
8. Getting a professional massage or a brief one from my partner.
9. Watching a favorite TV show.
10. Going to a favorite restaurant.
11. Being physically intimate with my partner.
12. Reading the newspaper.

Some of these cost money, and some don't. Some involve other people, while others don't. Certain items can be done in five minutes, while others might take an entire evening. It's good to have a variety of items on your list so you can have different levels and types of rewards.

Once you've made your list, put a copy of it in a place where you'll see it often. We are prone to forget to reward ourselves for hard work. If you have your list in a prominent place, it will help remind you that you need to take care of yourself.

With your rewards list done, you can now begin using it to shape your behavior. First, ask yourself, "What would I like to encourage and motivate myself to do?" Think of a few key behaviors that you know you wish you were more regular at doing. Perhaps it's exercising regularly, contacting new clients at work, or meditating every day. Second, decide to give yourself an appropriate reward after you do what is difficult for you to do. For large tasks, such as finishing a major project at work, you might give yourself a sizable prize. For small tasks, consider giving yourself just a small, simple treat. After a while, your brain will get the message that it's worth doing difficult tasks because you invariably get rewarded for your efforts.

In my therapy practice, my clients and I often make "deals" in which they agree to give themselves a major reward once they've achieved a specific goal. One client, "Frank," had always wanted to go on a trip around the world. He made a deal with me that as soon as he had $20,000 saved up, he would immediately buy his tickets and go. Starting with almost no money, he saved up the full amount in just 18 months. Dangling a big enough carrot in front of yourself can create miraculous changes in your behavior and attitudes.

Some people are used to indulging themselves. They eat big meals, go to movies, and take nice trips whenever they feel like it. If you're like that, then consider withholding from yourself your accustomed rewards until after you've done something you know would be good for you to do.

Each person must find a healthy balance between doing work and receiving rewards. If you tend to be a workaholic, be sure to treat yourself to something pleasurable after each difficult task you complete. If you tend to be indulgent, make your access to rewards dependent on completing some of your responsibilities.

A loving parent knows when his or her child needs encouragement, and when he or she needs to be disciplined. Now that you're all grown up, you need to decide for yourself what you need. With practice, you'll find the right amount of rewards that help you feel motivated, supported, and balanced in life.

* * *
For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

Find Your Calling

Practice of the Week
Find Your Calling

Category: Occasional. These are practices suggested for "every once in a while." Some of them are responses to a particular need that may arise; others are simply enriching occasional enhancements to the spiritual life. All of them are worth a try at least once. And any of them might become a regular and central part of your spiritual practice.

"The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work (a) that you need to do and (b) that the world needs to have done. If you really get a kick out of your work, you've presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing cigarette ads, the chances are you've missed requirement (b). On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you have probably met requirement (b), but if most of the time you're bored and depressed by it, the chances are you have not only bypassed (a), but probably aren't helping your patients much either. Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." (Frederick Buechner)

What is your calling?
Is a new calling trying to be heard?
Try the "Billion-Dollar List" test!

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

Imagine you suddenly won or inherited a billion dollars. What would you do? Maybe you'd throw a big party, take your dream vacation, buy a nice house. Then what?

Retire? You might think you'd want to retire, but most billionaires continue to passionately pursue their work. In fact, the one thing rich people tend to have in common is that they love their work. By imagining what you'd do with a billion dollars, it's possible to gain a better idea of what you yearn to do in the world, the important work that you are called to offer the world.

When you become clear about what you really love to do and what you consider to be important work, you become more focused and capable. Twenty-five years ago, I was living in a 1967 Dodge van, making $400 a month. It seemed unlikely I would ever have a bestselling book and speak to millions of people a year. Yet, by consistently pursuing what I love, it happened. Even if I didn't make much money or have much success in my field, I would still be enjoying what I do. I love teaching and writing. I'd definitely do it for free. Had I made the mistake of pursuing a different line of work just to make a lot of money, I'd probably be miserable. Many people make the error of putting their desire for money before their desire for meaningful work. Usually they end up paying a big price. Yet by figuring out what you'd do with a billion dollars, you can easily learn and start to pursue your true passions in life.

A billion dollars is one thousand million bucks. That's a lot of money. Would you want to help end starvation? Would you go into politics? Would you become a writer, inventor, or musician? What line of work seems like it's so fun or so important that you'd gladly do it for free? Take a few minutes now and write down a few answers to that question.

When I first looked over my billion dollar list, I became a bit depressed. After all, I wasn't doing any of the things I had written down. I had never done any writing, never been on TV and was afraid of public speaking. Yet I figured I'd start in small ways. I began by teaching a personal growth class to a few friends for free. I started writing things down just for my own benefit. As time passed, I got better at what I did. Before I knew it, people were paying for my workshops, publishers were buying my books, and TV producers were calling me to be on their shows. Since I really loved what I was doing, it was easy to be dedicated to it, even during times when I wasn't having much success.

Once you've written down what you'd do with a billion dollars, begin in small ways to incorporate some of those activities into your life. For example, if with a billion dollars you decided that you'd work to end the abuse of animals, then why not start to work in that area now? You don't need to quit your job to do that. You can begin by writing letters to your congressman, joining an animal rights group, or volunteering at an animal shelter. I know many people who started doing such things after they wrote out their Billion-Dollar List, and later found themselves in a paying job working for the cause for which they had previously volunteered.

The Billion-Dollar List helps you to think in a new, expanded manner. As you wrok in ways that are in line with your values and passion, you'll feel a sense of inner fulfillment. Many people report that initially making less money at a job is a small price to pay for work that is truly rewarding. Once you've made your list, you'll have a clearer sense of the direction you ultimately want to go in life.

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For list of all weekly practices: "Practices of the Week Index"

Discern

Practice of the Week
Discern

Category: Slogans to Live By: Practices for everyone to keep in mind and pay attention to. These practices don't require setting aside a separate substantial chunk of time. Just have the intention to grow stronger in each of these areas as you go about your day, and sometimes make one of them the focus of your daily journaling. The titles of these practices are guiding slogans to live by.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." --Yogi Berra

Discerning is different from deciding. Deciding can be a very rational process (carefully assessing pros and cons), or not rational (whimsical, impulsive). Either way, deciding doesn't put "who am I?" and "what is my highest purpose?" at the center of the process. Discernment draws upon intuition, but in a very careful and intentional way -- so it is neither cognitive/rational nor whimsical/impulsive.

adapted from Jonathan Robinson, Find Happiness Now

There is no foolproof way to definitely say that one thought is a trustworthy intuition and another is a delusion. There is, however, a process that can help separate true discernment from mental garbage.

First, before you present the question to your inner self, determine if you are willing to hear whatever answer you get. If you've already made up your mind about what's best for you to do in a particular situation, then you cannot enter a discernment process. Discernment requires openness to self-discovery, finding in self-awareness what you are called to do. Before venturing into such a process, I ask myself, "Is there any answer I might receive that I wouldn't be willing to listen to?" If there is, then I defer the process until I am open to hear any answer that might arise. I have made a "deal" with my higher self that just because I hear a particular answer doesn't mean I have to act on it. Knowing that I have this "safety valve" has helped me to be receptive to whatever answer arises.

Once I have surrendered to the possibility of any answer to my question, I take time to quiet my mind. I meditate or sit still listening some favorite music. Then I ask a specific question about a current concern for me. Generally, my question takes the form of, "What do I need to know or do to serve my highest purpose in relationship to _____ ?" Then I wait as receptively as possible. Whenever I notice my mind trying to "figure out" the answer, I take a deep breath and simply try to relax and let go. Discernment does not emerge from a rational thinking process.

People receive the voice of their deepest self in different ways. Some people actually hear a voice that sounds somehow unlike their normal inner dialog. Other people see images or symbols that indicate what they need to know. Most people simply get a strong sense of what "feels right." Often, this feeling of what is right seems to spontaneously arise from nowhere, yet there is a strong sense of certainty about it. It's like an "Ah-hah" experience. It's as if you knew the answer all along -- because you did, though you didn't know you knew it, and know you've discovered it within you.

Since people experience connecting with their intuition in different ways, it's helpful to remember how you've received intuitive information in the past. Think back to a specific time you felt like you received a trustworthy intuitive answer. What made you think that this was a true intuition? (Our intuitions are often wrong, after all.) Once you can identify how you were able to discern an answer in the past, you will know what to look for in the future. A trustworthy intuition usually comes not only with a strong feeling of "rightness," but often also with a feeling of openness or relaxation in the body and peacefulness in the mind. Like all skills, the more you practice, the more likely you'll notice subtle distinctions that differentiate discernment from normal thinking and feeling.

If you practice the discernment process and receive no answer, or one that is unclear, there are a couple things you can do. First, you can ask that an answer become clear to you sometime during the next week. I've often had the experience of not getting an answer immediately, but spontaneously receiving an answer days later while walking my dog. When we are persistent in asking a question, the answer eventually comes. It may even come from an unexpected source, such as a friends conversation or a TV show. However the guidance arrives, there will likely be a familiar feeling of "rightness" -- a conviction that you now know what to do.

The second thing you can do when discernment is slow in coming, or you're not sure if what you've received is best for you, is to seek more information. You can pursue additional information in a linear, rational way by simply asking yourself, "Is there any person or resource that might know information relevant to my situation?" Once the rational mind is satisfied it has collected all the information it can, it is often easier to tune into your best intuition.

Some people make the mistake of relying on intuition merely because they're too lazy or afraid to research the relevant facts about their situation. For example, I had a client who kept asking his inner guide if he should buy a certain house. He secretly wanted to buy the house, and his desire was interfering with his ability to discern. I suggested he get the house inspected and appraised to see if it was a good deal. He initially resisted, but finally relented. The results from the inspection indicated that the house was on the verge of falling apart. You don't need discernment when rational decision-making yields a clear answer.

If, after trying these ideas and methods you're still not sure that the answer that arises is trustworthy, then set the question aside and focus on your primary spiritual practice for a few weeks. When you're better "aligned with your higher self" or "in touch with your true self," your discernment will be more clear.

For Journaling

Be careful journaling about an issue that you're seeking discernment on -- the writing process can simply call up and reinforce pre-existing desires, which may be helpful, but isn't fully open to whatever answer may come. Try simply writing your questions. Begin by writing (filling in the blank): "What do I need to know or do to serve my highest purpose in relationship to _____ ?" Follow-up by writing ancillary questions that come to mind. Write only questions.

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For the supplement to this "Discern" practice, see "Act!"

PRACTICES INDEX